Green
by Colours of Imagination
Summary: Neither of them was quite Vulcan enough on their home planet, but this new timeline has thrown them together.
1. First Encounters

As you can probably guess, I don't own anything, just play with it.

Spock looked down glumly, though he would deny the emotion it was hard to suppress the resentment and anger, both with Stelev and with himself.

He shouldn't have reacted. Thirty-four times he'd held back but all his father would know about is the time he failed, the time they mentioned his mother. Now he had reacted they would know what hurt. He couldn't keep it from hurting but he could press it town beneath the logic if it was just about him, but his mother, she was like a warmth in the freezing desert night. Despite their higher body temperatures and the boiling sun beating upon the planet Vulcans were cold. The only way to deal with it was to let the logic freeze him, deep, so he couldn't even feel it anymore, but somehow the fiery anger just came back. His father was going to be so disappointed in him.

There was blood on his knuckles, the rich green stark against his skin. He was staring at it when quiet footsteps drew his attention to an approaching girl. He didn't recognise her, they were taught separately. She stood staring at him solemnly in thought, her eyes as green as the blood. It was unusual and striking.

"Deliberately hurting someone who has done nothing to you is illogical." Her words were steady with a note of decision, as if the statement were the conclusion to whatever she had been thinking. He didn't know how to respond so he said nothing, the silence stretching between them. She was the first to look away, he wasn't sure if that meant something but her eyes went to his hands. She tilted her head and he felt uncomfortable, he should have cleaned them somehow. Spock tried to move them to hide them, but she reached out before he could, fingertips grazing across his skin. He tucked his hands into his sleeves.

"It was wrong of me to fight with Stelev." Was that why she was here? Was she connected to him in some way that she had come here to gain an apology? Perhaps she was his betrothed. There was a slight ache in his chest, he was not sure if even the weight of his father's position and the respect for his family would be enough for someone to join their child with a half-breed.

"I meant him. It is illogical to enjoy hurting people, to spend time coming up with insults. He should really have spent it studying, he needs to be better if he wants to go to the Science Academy." Spock frowned slightly at her words, they were unexpected. "You hurt the person who was hurting you, perhaps you thought it would make him stop but it will not. It was wrong but not unprovoked. If you want to hurt him a better way would be to get into the Academy when he does not." Spock nodded. That seemed logical, and productive. Though he should not wish pain on another. He wondered why should would tell him such, why she would want Stelev to feel pain.

While he was still trying to figure out how to respond she turned abruptly and walked away. Curiosity was a much easier emotion to deal with while he waited for his father to finish with the school's headteacher. He still didn't know who she was.


	2. Breaking Up and Breaking Free

T'Leiarel walked slowly down the shaded paths. The final examinations were over and she no longer needed to return to the Academy, but she wasn't eager to return home either. The green gardens near the Starfleet Regional Offices were beautiful with trees and flowers. Anywhere else it would be considered a waste of water and resources, but these had been created in honour of the friendship with Earth back when it had been the Terran Embassy and were considered of cultural and historical importance.

It was hard to imagine a world like this, where the ground was green not golden red sands, where the sun danced in safely moving soft patches between the leaves. A world with so much water that you could see it spread around you to the horizon, like standing out on the dunes but blue. There were many worlds like it out there, she knew that much, had studied it, seen the images, but this was the closest she had come to being somewhere like that. It was the closest she was likely to as well, she would be expected to stay at home once she married to care for children, and few women travelled off world before that.

She felt so trapped.

That was when her comm pad started to sound. Sitting on one of the cool shaded benches she dug through her bag to pull it out and pressed the button to answer the call. She didn't recognise the face she was met with but he felt familiar somehow.

"Greetings T'Leiarel, I am Savel." Her betrothed? It was early for his time to have begun, but not unheard of, they were nearly impossible to predict. She frowned slightly, looking for any signs, but he seemed calm, difficult to read. "Is it convenient to discuss something with you? I was informed you were likely to have arrived home at this time but it does not appear that you have." The bushes behind her would be something of an indication.

"As I had finished my studies I intended some quiet contemplation in a pleasant location." She kept her tone even, despite the concern. Well, concern was probably an understatement, it was more like terror. It was bad enough living at home but to be bound to another, already, when she was awaiting graduation. The lie was all though, and her face froze into calm stillness even as her mind screamed.

She had been trained in the lie for so very long, even as most children were taught to suppress their feelings beneath logic to control them, she was taught instead to hide them. The doctors had said her brain would never be the same as the others, just like her hair and her skin. The same proteins that made pigment were a small but critical part of brain development, specifically the part that allowed a Vulcan to stop feeling. By the time she was born and the doctors saw the colour of her hair it was too late. So the lie began, hiding everything that made her into herself rather than who they wanted her to be. Hair dye, the blank doll face, the slightly tinted sun cream at a strength designed for humans.

"I felt I should inform you myself. I have spoken with my parents and I will be ending our arrangement." She wasn't sure how to respond. In many ways it was the best news he could tell her but she knew there was more to it. It was rejection and liberation in one. "Your brother gave us some information your parents had withheld." The feelings shifted to anger, he had probably justified it to himself but this was a petty attempt to hurt her. "He spoke with us yesterday but we did not want to cause you any trouble that might impact on your ability to complete your examinations." That was precisely what he had wanted.

"I understand." She made a fist, her nails digging into the palm of her hand, the small pain grounding her, keeping the reaction at bay, though it would come out later. "Thank you for the consideration regarding distractions during my studies." His, or more likely his parents' concern had stopped Stelev's plan from succeeding. No wonder he had bothered to walk with her to the Academy that morning, he must have been hoping to see her reaction.

"My parents are sending a message to your parents on the matter as we speak." Well that was convenient, at least she wouldn't have to bring it up with them. "I hope that this has not caused you emotional distress, given your condition." So he had told them everything. Even the training could not hide the flush across her cheeks and her nails bit deeper into her palms. Anger and humiliation surged. She allowed herself to close her eyes for a moment and take a breath. Even that small act would be weighed and judged, even more so given what he knew, but she couldn't help it. She opened them to his raised eyebrow and mild concern.

"Your actions have been logical and you have handled the matter with all possible tact. I will need to discuss my plans moving forwards with my parents." T'Leiarel ended the call before he could respond, all that was left after all was more awkward pleasantries. It was illogical to put herself through them.

Uncurling her clenched hand she looked at the small half-circles on her palm. Her blood was as green as anyone else's. Nothing would ever be good enough, not getting into the Academy, no matter what the results were, nothing. Her comm rang again.

"T'Leiarel, your mother and I are disappointed. We will attempt to reason with Savel and his parents. Come directly home." Beyond her parents sat Stelev, watching the call with interest. She couldn't bear the thought of returning there. The burning emotional storm seemed to calm, a form of clarity as she looked back down at her hand. It was illogical to remain in a situation which only caused pain.

"Farewell." Turning off her comm pad and putting it away, she stood to walk in the direction of the transport station. She would go somewhere she didn't need the lie anymore, somewhere green like the gardens.


	3. Spock the Difference

Spock seldom dreamed, Vulcans resolved most of the issues that would be thrown up as dreams through meditation meaning that he averaged one a month. This was the second in less than a week, unusual but not markedly so, what was of particular notice however was that both had featured one distinct similarity, the girl. The first dream had been on the ship, he was going about his duties and Nero had shown up on board, the second had been on Vulcan, a pleasant dream about his mother helping him with his homework. In both however she had been there, a young Vulcan girl, watching him with solemn green eyes.

Frowning slightly he began to go about preparing for the day. It often felt cool on board the Enterprise, as it was set at a comfortable temperature for the humans on board, but it seemed chillier today, perhaps the new Enterprise A had a slightly lower setting. Adding an extra thin thermal layer under his uniform he made his way to the bridge. He swiftly settled into his work checking the instruments before the ship left the dock, until Uhura announced an incoming communication from New Vulcan.

"Captain Kirk, I am Assistant Ambassador Stelev." Spock raised an eyebrow, that was where he remembered the young girl from, after the fight at school, it was strange that he should have dreamed of that before such a communication. Coincidences were more common than people often chose to believe however. "I am transmitting a pre-recorded message for one of your crew, and I have a personal request as I have been informed the Enterprise will be heading from Earth shipyards to the vicinity of New Vulcan." He was not aware of this order, but it seemed unlikely that Stelev would lie to a Starfleet Captain. Kirk looked back at Spock as if for advice but there was little he could give.

"What can we do to help?" The captain's cheerful question, so informal in the manner humans often were, caused a slight tightening of Stelev's forehead, not enough that it was likely anyone other than Spock would notice, but he was well aware of the distaste it indicated in his former classmate.

"My sister is currently on Earth and is required to return home for her marriage. It is proving difficult to contact her but I would appreciate discrete assistance in ensuring her return." Spock frowned very slightly, quickly returning to neutral as the Captain turned to him.

"What do you think Spock? We've got another day before we set off, but we should be at New Vulcan by the end of the week. Could be nice to have another Vulcan on board for a bit?" There was that wrinkle in Stelev's forehead as Kirk called Spock a Vulcan. It was almost tempting to refuse the request because of its source, but logically if he was asking assistance of them there was a young man on Vulcan suffering the fever. Every pairing and the offspring they would make could be important to the success of the colony. He nodded.

"I believe we are likely to arrive sooner, but would not like to make assumptions of the engine capability before we have had chance to utilise them. The question is our ability to locate the young woman if Assistant Ambassador Stelev has been unable to contact her. I would not want to delay our launch by promising that we will have her on board." Kirk nodded, turning back to the screen with a wide smile.

"We'll do our best, but our orders remain the priority. We might need to know a little more than a young Vulcan woman somewhere on Earth though." Spock couldn't help but think that it was possible they wouldn't… it wasn't like there would be many. But it would take hours for the scanners to pinpoint a single lifesign among so many on such a large world with so many different species on it and more coming and leaving all the time.

"My understanding is that she is currently in London, residing near to the Federation Diplomatic Training Facilities. T'Leiarel is…" There is a pause as Stelev seems to struggle to select an appropriate word, causing Spock to raise his eyebrow. "Unusual. I will send you the information on her whereabouts and an image of her, it is a few years old but I do not think she will have aged significantly in that time." Kirk looked back at Spock again with his own expression of surprise and concern, clearly wondering, much as Spock was, why her brother would not have a more recent image. It was most peculiar.

"We will see what we can do and keep you informed of the results." Kirk said after a brief pause, he glanced to Uhura who nodded to show she'd received the information. "Best of luck with the wedding planning and we'll do our best to make sure the bride is there on time." Stelev nodded and ended the call. Something that might seem abrupt to the humans but was logical. "Sulu, you have the bridge, such as it is for the moment, let me know if we hit any snags but to be honest I was getting a little bored of just sitting here watching everyone checking things. Spock, Uhura, are you up for a little trip before we leave Earth behind for another five years?"

"We might want to dress a little warmer, that area of the world is not known for being sunny." Uhura pointed out as she stood and handed a data padd to Spock, he noticed a blinking message light in the top corner. He supposed it was only logical the message was likely to be for him as most of the rest of the crew did not know many people on New Vulcan. Kirk noticed the exchange.

"Okay, meet at the transporter in thirty minutes." He said with a smile as Spock nodded and they made their way to their quarters to add an additional jacket. Once he reached his quarters, Spock set the message to play as he dug out the thicker layers from his wardrobe, he was not surprised to find it had come from his counterpart.

"I am not sure whether it will be necessary to send this message, and am unsure whether the differences in our histories will have affected matters. I could not help but remember my own uncertainty at this time and wish to provide some comfort. If the dreams have begun, then do not refuse to accept what is happening to you. Fighting against it will only cause you greater turmoil. I have spoken with T'Pring and was relieved to know that she does not wish to call for a challenge, considering it illogical to endanger a life when we have lost so many already."

Spock frowned as the message ended. At least being aware of the stirrings so early in the process and with plans to travel to Vulcan where his condition would be understood was helpful. He just wondered who T'Pring was.


	4. Eyes Like Blood

Sorry for the long break, can't promise it won't happen again but we'll see what my brain decides to do/not do… anyway here we go.

T'Leiarel deleted another message without reading it. It had been over a week since Stelev had told her to "return home". She'd never even set foot on New Vulcan and Savel had broken their arrangement off years ago. Apparently as there was a larger percentage of male Vulcans off world at the time of the attack, meaning that there was a shortage of Vulcan women so now she would have to do… such a flattering proposal. How could anyone resist such romance?

She rolled her eyes, a habit she had gained from long time spent among the humans and dabbed a little peppermint oil under her nose, it kept her from smelling too much, not ideal but a lot better than the high strength sunblock she used to have to use on Vulcan. The light white clouds floated across a pale blue sky in a gentle breeze with the scent of rain on the air, it was a good day, the chill so much more refreshing than the dry air of Vulcan.

Determined to be cheerful, despite reminders of her brother's attempts to control her and the unresolved issues with her parents when they died, she set off down the street towards the library where she helped to teach diplomatic students telepathic resistance skills. She was not expecting the knot of Starfleet uniforms near the main desk with an old photo of her from when she was still dying her hair, still living the lie. She was not expecting the tingle and the tug of recognition as one of the trio looked in her direction. Unsure quite what to do she looked down, turning, she ran into one of the students.

"El, hey, you okay?" Jocelyn asked with concern. T'Leiarel managed a smile and a nod.

"I just… I saw someone I thought I recognised." She shrugged. "How are you?" She had to figure out what to do about Spock and the other two Starfleet officers, but she wasn't likely to have much time, they were already heading towards her.

Kirk, Spock and Uhura had travelled to London without issue, and found the library where the information they had told them that their stray Vulcan was likely to be. Turning up on someone's doorstep being somewhat rude and with no guarantee she would actually be there, she may have decided to eat lunch somewhere else after all.

"So you don't recognise this woman?" The clerk at the desk shook his head with a shrug, causing Kirk to frown. This was not as simple as it had seemed. Spock was wondering if this was what Stelev meant when he said T'Leiarel was unusual… He felt a pull, a slight tug of self and looked up as a young woman entered the library.

She looked nothing like the girl he remembered, blonde hair falling to her shoulders, older of course, but even from a distance he knew that her shocked eyes would be green as blood. It made no sense that he should know it was her, and yet he did.

"Are there any Vulcans that come to the library as far as you're aware?" Uhura asked, the woman who had been the girl looked away. Spock frowned.

"There's El, least that's what all the students call her, she's got similar ears to your friend here." The librarian shrugged. "She's just over there." He gestured towards the doors and the two women now speaking there. Spock was striding over briskly as the other two hurried to keep up.

"Greetings." Both women turned to look at Spock, her eyes were as green as he remembered.

"Hi," Kirk added, slipping around Spock with a frown at his first officer and focusing on the dark haired girl, "we were asked to come here by your brother, Assistant Ambassador Stelev. He said that you needed some transport?" She didn't look especially like the picture…

"I think you must have me confused? My grandfather was Ambassador Julian Winters, but he died around the time I was born… I'm Jocelyn, Jocelyn Winters." The confusion on three faces had little impact on the other two who were watching each other cautiously. There was amusement and irritation on her face, it was strange to see them so clearly on a Vulcan.

"T'Leiarel, I believe we met once before." Spock commented calmly, politely, drawing the attention of the others to the correct woman.

"You remember." She smiled slightly. From the corner of their eyes both could see Kirk looking at the picture questioningly. "I believe Stelev was responsible for that meeting also." There was a frown as she remembered something looking away for a moment before meeting his eyes directly with a surprising sincerity. "I was sorry to hear about your mother. She was a good woman." The reminder was painful but Spock nodded, appreciating the simple fact that she had bothered to know about the loss.

"So where is it you're going?" Jocelyn interrupted, clearly curious about what was going on.

"Stelev wants to force me into an arranged marriage, one that was arranged when I was child, called off some time ago and is now arranged again due to a lack of acceptable alternatives." El's voice was bitter, with disapproval lying heavy over each word. "And it seems he sent the Captain here to do his dirty work, knowing that I'm not likely to slap someone who saved my life, and the planet we're standing on, simply for associating with my brother. Is that about the size of things?" She turned pointedly to Kirk who seemed more than a little stunned by the anger and the way things were shaping up.

"He didn't say anything about forcing people… just that you had a wedding to attend on New Vulcan and he wanted our help to get you there…" He held up his hands to distance himself. "Is that why you changed your hair? To try and hide from him?"

"Not exactly… my hair is more to do with why the arrangement was called off. It seems that I am going to need to tell my brother in person what he refuses to accept via message." Spock felt an urge to keep her from the marriage, to protect her from other men, it was mild for now, the early stirrings of the time making themselves known, he would have to see if any of the priestesses had made it to New Vulcan to help him with the problem. "Perhaps I can finally stop envying the mess on your hands." She commented, earning more confusion from the others, as Spock remembered the time they had met before, the blood on his hands and the fight that had preceded it. While most of him disapproved of his conduct back then a small part, the slowly waking fire, relished the primal freedom of that moment. His hands clenched momentarily to fists, unnoticed by any save for the slightest widening of her eyes.

"So you're going to come with us?" Kirk was confused but not about to argue with her, he remembered the last time he had poked a pissed off Vulcan, so to speak, those bruises had been truly impressive. "Great. Is there anything you need to do before we go?"


	5. Back To The Beginning

It was strange how easy it was to just pick up and leave. Perhaps a part of her had always known her time on Earth would be temporary, even with the years since she had left Vulcan and the months since it had been destroyed she could still fit everything worth taking anywhere into one large duffel, and it only took a few vid calls to break her ties here. El looked out the window after the last call, the officers were waiting for her at a café down the street, she could slip away, she had started fresh on a strange world once before after all…

It had been a shock seeing Spock, and now he was waiting for her, it had felt… odd. It was probably just the fact that she hadn't seen another Vulcan in a long time, well a half Vulcan, not that she was much better on that front. If anyone could understand what it was like to not belong among your own people it would be Spock, and he hadn't even had the option of hiding it, everyone had known about his differences. She couldn't leave them to deal with her brother's irritation and likely petty troublemaking, she would have to face this herself, she had known it would not be as easy as ignoring a few messages and hoping another planet was far enough away to be left alone.

Would anywhere truly be far enough? She would go to New Vulcan, she would leave Earth behind, and once she had faced her brother who knew where she could go then. She had heard good things about Risa…?

Spock was feeling impatient. It was not a feeling he was used to having, nor one he was comfortable with, and it was proving more difficult than usual to properly subdue it. If his emotions continued to grow more unstable he would have to excuse himself from bridge duty. At least it would not take them long to reach New Vulcan. While the other two chatted about the weather, the drinks, the sugary cakes they had ordered and so forth, Spock checked on the new orders which had arrived while they were away from the ship. As they had been expecting they were now ordered to visit New Vulcan, and to remain for in orbit for three days, delivering supplies to the colony as they did so.

It seemed odd that they would have been tasked to such a mundane mission but then Spock saw his father's name on the request, if his other self had hinted to his father of his possible condition at this point in time then it made sense they would have made arrangements. The relationship with his father was better than it had been but this was a delicate topic that would be uncomfortable to bring up, but he should message his father when they returned to the ship.

"What do you think Spock?" Kirk was looking at him with some degree of concern. Spock felt a flash of irritation at the interruption to his thoughts, and at the fact that he had not been paying as much attention to his Captain as he might usually be doing. "Why do you think she bleached her hair? I mean it looks good but it doesn't fit in with the other Vulcans."

"Logically, if T'Leiarel wanted to fit in with the other Vulcans, as you put it, she would be living on New Vulcan and not on Earth." It was a question that had puzzled him however, the why of it. It was a lot of effort to maintain an alternative hair colour and was hardly likely to be done without reason, and yet it seemed right somehow. "We should head back and see if she is ready to leave." Part of him hoped she wouldn't be there, that she wouldn't be married to someone she did not want, part of him was already longing to spend more time around her and demanding he check that she had not left… both of those parts were, for the time being at least, soundly ignored. It was simply the instincts pressuring him. He forced his face to calmness trying to ignore the raised eyebrow from Uhura, who seemed to have noticed his distraction.

"Okay then…" Even Kirk seemed to have noticed something… he would have to do better at monitoring himself. Spock kept his pace steady as they made their way back up the street. Letting the Captain take the lead, though he seemed to be particularly slow today. They arrived at the apartment as T'Leiarel stepped out, setting her bag down to close the door behind her. "Hey, do you need a hand with your luggage?" It seemed a large bag for a few days, but he decided not to comment, and tucked his hands behind his back to resist the urge to take it before the Captain could. Spock wondered at the wry smile on T'Leiarel's face until Kirk tried to lift the bag and was clearly surprised by the weight. "I forgot about the gravity differences…" He muttered.

Spock reached forward to take the bag at the same time as T'Leiarel, their hands brushing before she pulled back, eyes slightly wide. The sensation was dramatic, the sharp feeling of hunger in the pit of his stomach, he would need to stay away from her on the ship, it was hard enough dealing with the emotions that had been stirred already without pushing himself further.

*******

The wave of raw emotion was unexpected… the lack of sufficient filters in her own mind had always made her more sensitive than most to the emotions of others, her mind was drawn forcibly back to childhood, and the guilt of a boy who had blamed himself for the provocation of others, for being someone who did not belong. His feelings then had seemed so very like her own. Now their connection was likewise full of odd parallels. The tumult of uncertainty and self-restraint, the hunger spilled into the connection like it had been waiting for all those years. The hunger for acceptance, for affection, for being enough, though she doubted he would see it for what it was, not with the way Vulcans were trained to repress their emotions rather than study them.

As Spock took the lead back towards the shuttle port, with the concerned looking human woman next to him, she focused her attention on Captain Kirk. He was easily recognisable from the news reports following the destruction of Vulcan and his actions preserving Earth. Though clearly embarrassed by the bag incident, they were soon able to settle to discussing music.


	6. Tea Helps

Spock should have seen it coming, the Captain had been a little better since he took command, but he still liked to flirt with women not in his chain of command. The shuttle trip was painful, with the discussion about his adventures in Starfleet only serving to boost his ego. It was after they had collected Doctor McCoy from a final visit to his daughter and were on the way back to the ship in space dock that it happened.

"So, on Earth we have this tradition before marriages called the bachelor party or hen night, where the people getting married go a little bit wild before settling down. Is there something like that on Vulcan? Even if you're not getting married we could throw a bit of a celebration. But I suppose that's not a very logical way of doing things?" Kirk was smiling suggestively, and she was smiling back, her emotions barely more subtle in their depiction than the humans.

"Vulcans have been known to go a little… primal before their weddings." That was one way to describe it, and far more information than most would share. "But do you honestly think you'd be able to handle me going a 'bit wild'?" She raised her eyebrow, a gesture of disbelief but the tone was more teasing. Her eyes slid over him earning surprise from the others and only serving to encourage the Captain. Spock struggled to not say something, gripping the seat.

"I've never been accused of shying away from a challenge." Of course if anything the hint of danger drew Kirk like a moth to a flame… "If anything I'm only where I am today because I'm stubborn enough to beat the odds where others would walk away." He winked, the shuttle was setting down in the bay. Spock just had to hold on a little longer and then he could get to the privacy of his quarters.

"Then it is a shame for you that this is a matter of choice rather than chance. Luck, a dashing smile, and a reputation as a hero should help you find plenty of people to help you feel better however." Spock let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding at her response, then chided himself for having the feeling in the first place. "But if you're looking for an excuse for some form of celebration, I am partial to karaoke." She hopped out of the shuttle as soon as the doors opened, Spock close behind her with her bag.

"Oh I like her, are you sure she's a Vulcan?" McCoy commented gaining an irritated glance from Kirk. It was Uhura who noticed the marks in the seat from Spock's fingers… "Do you reckon she's more into country or pop for the singing? Or some strange Vulcan songs?"

"I think we might have bigger issues than her taste in music and whether Jim can keep his trousers on. I think something's wrong with Spock, he's been behaving strangely all day and now this." Uhura interrupted the conversation, gesturing to the dents in the metal.

Spock set the bag down and turned to leave quickly, so quickly that he almost bumped into T'Leiarel in the doorway. He stepped back to let her into the room, but she didn't move for a moment, seemingly lost in consideration, then she sighed heavily.

"Sit down and have some tea." It was not what he had expected her to say. He was about to refuse when she continued. "I assume it would be unwise to be around the rest of the crew right now and at least this way you can blame being hospitable to a guest for why you're not on the bridge." She moved past him taking a moment to locate the food synthesiser and ordering the tea. She sat, setting one cup on the table and taking a deep breath as she smelled the other before taking a sip, she repeated her concentration seemingly fully on the beverage. The smell of it began to permeate the room, floral and sweet. After several long moments Spock was still stood near the door way, conflicting thoughts leading to him simply watching.

"I am told it starts with dreams." She spoke almost to the room, casually, hoping that it would not send him hurrying away. The time was a topic so taboo that it was whispered about between women in corners not spoken aloud, but secrecy was what allowed their culture to fester, tradition masking what was in truth archaic. "That when the time nears the subconscious minds reach to one another across the bond in sleep and they dream of their bondmate. I think that might be based on suggestibility and the dreams coming because people expect them to. I dreamed recently, but only after I was told of Savel's time, and it was not of him. If there ever was a bond between us he broke it before I left Vulcan." It had hurt at the time, and then she had been glad, and now, now it was being held against her all over again. There was no point in mentioning who she had dreamed about, scruffy with his split lip and rebellious eyes. It was merely her brain's way to deal with the stress and the pressure after all.

Spock slowly walked over to take a seat, still saying nothing. She could see the tension, for now he was still in control, but there was irritation, with himself and with the world, and logic was already beginning to fray. He lifted the tea, raising an eyebrow as he tasted it. "Violet, quite a soothing flower in a variety of forms. At least I have often thought so. I have appreciated it quite often over the last few days." With the barrage of messages she had gone though three pots a day, but when you couldn't suppress your emotions you had to find other ways to help deal with them.

"I have had dreams." She waited patiently for him to be ready to continue, but just as he took breath to do so the comm sounded.

"Spock, when you're finished up settling in our guest can you come by sickbay?" It was McCoy, inconvenient on the timing, just as Spock had been on the verge of possibly discussing his situation, which could only help him in dealing with it…


	7. Need to Know

Content warning: minor references to self-harm (not glamorised or graphic).

Spock had not seemed this agitated since moments before he attacked Jim on the bridge… Leonard made sure he had the high dose tranquiliser in easy reach just in case.

"You asked to see me Doctor McCoy?" There was extra stiffness to his tone, which was not nearly enough to hide the way his eyes darted around the room impatiently before settling with a disturbing focus.

"If you could just have a seat, there's a few tests I need to run." He kept his tone calm, professional, slightly more polite than usual.

"My regular physical was only three weeks ago, I do not need any tests." Spock didn't move, stubbornly standing where he was. They both waited, glaring at each other, and he'd never thought he'd see Spock glare. Eventually Leonard picked up the scanner and headed towards where Spock was standing, only to have it knocked from his hands hard enough to crack the scanner against the floor and leave his fingers stinging. "I told you I do not need any tests."

"If you think I'm going to accept you saying that there's nothing wrong after that little display you have another thing coming!" He shouted with his most commanding doctor tone, or at least he hoped so. "I'm the doctor and if I say you need tests then sit your butt in the chair." He pointed firmly at the seat. He could have sworn Spock growled slightly. There was a feeling of danger in the air, but you didn't get into Starfleet and hang around with Jim for long without getting used to dealing with that. Though he'd never expected to feel it coming from Spock.

"Dr McCoy? I was wondering whether Commander Spock could be excused from his duties for a few days? It is not listed on my medical record due to attached stigma but I have V'Lar's Syndrome and believe his presence would be beneficial. Extended periods of time with very little to do, such as being a passenger on a star ship, can cause issues. May I also suggest that we attempt to reach New Vulcan as quickly as possible?" The message broke the staring match, though Spock didn't move he did look down, possibly trying to control himself… probably best not to push it. But if he wouldn't give any answers perhaps the other Vulcan on board would, he doubted she would have failed to notice the way Spock was behaving even if she seemed a little odd for a Vulcan herself. Was this V'Lar's Syndrome contagious? He stalked over to a console to bring it up.

"Does this have anything to do with why Spock has just broken a medical scanner and is refusing tests?" Watching Spock from the corner of his eye he saw his hands clench, but he otherwise remained still.

"Oh dear." That did not sound like someone who was unaware of matters going on. "I would prefer not to discuss someone else's condition. It is unrelated. I would recommend against standing between Spock and the door however. Is everyone okay?" Prefer not to discuss?

"Dammit, I am the Chief Medical Officer on board this ship, if there is something wrong with a member of this crew I need to know about it." Possibly not the most diplomatic way to speak to a guest but how was he supposed to treat the green-blooded hobgoblin if nobody would tell him what was wrong.

"I am fine!" The way Spock shouted it did not convince anyone. "I am fine." He repeated more calmly but it was far too late for that to carry weight.

"It is a simple and natural hormonal imbalance, details of which can be considered embarrassing but which has a small number of possible treatments, some more effective or more easily obtained than others, and at least one of them will be made available upon arrival at New Vulcan." Her tone was reasonable but they were still keeping things from him. He looked at the file the database had pulled up, it was very sparse too.

"It says here V'Lar's Syndrome results in reduced or absent pigmentation, risks of sunburn, unusual hair colour, abnormalities in brain formation and potential risk of self-harm." Very descriptive… abnormalities could mean almost anything. It also recommended messaging a doctor who was almost certainly dead for further information and had a suggestion for a care facility that was definitely destroyed… he hadn't seen much of the young woman but he doubted she needed round the clock care.

"As the medical well being of the passengers is also under your purview, and as it is a matter of my personal information and not that relating to another person, I will say that I have not deliberately injured myself in several years. Between the time I left Vulcan and eight days ago when my brother contacted me I have very seldom even considered doing so and I am confident I will not do so on board this ship. I was not lying when I said that I would find Spock's presence helpful, being able to do something to help others would be beneficial." Spock's eyes shot up at the nature of her comment, surprise and concern very visible. It was almost creepy seeing Spock like this… even though part of him had wanted Spock to let his emotions out more.

"Fine." He sighed. "I will relieve Commander Spock from his duties, and officially recommend you both do whatever it is you won't tell me about that might help. But I will be running a full physical when you return from Vulcan." The last part was directed at Spock. "And I will expect you to try and avoid damaging any more equipment." He picked up the damaged scanner with a huff. "Go on then, get out my sickbay, I need to make some calls." Spock was moving before he finished speaking… Leonard shook his head. The things you ended up dealing with in Starfleet. Now he had to work out how much to tell Kirk and Uhura in order to try and keep them from worrying without actually telling them anything that breached confidentiality. He sighed again, now if only someone could tell him something to stop him worrying too.


	8. Discussing Dreams

Spock arrived more quickly than expected and T'Leiarel couldn't help but smile at a mental image of him pushing his way through the corridors… before reminding herself that it was just a natural reaction, Spock would be feeling protective and drawn to his bondmate, and since she wasn't here then T'Leiarel was probably the closest thing and he was just projecting the emotions. She looked down for a moment.

"How can I be of assistance?" His eyes darted over her as if looking for injuries and she could feel the frustration welling.

"As I told the doctor, I am not in any danger currently, although having company is pleasant. I'm fine as long as I don't spend too much time around Vulcans." She knew it was a mistake to phrase it that way the moment the words left her mouth and Spock's posture got even more upright and formal. His hands clenched at his side.

"And I am half-human." She sighed, standing to move towards where he still stood just inside the doorway, just far enough into the room for the door to close.

"Living on Vulcan, being around my family, and my brother in particular… well I can't push aside emotions the same way most Vulcans do, that's what they mean by brain abnormalities. I can try and hide them, but I can't just… not feel." She ran her fingers down his clenched hand and slowly he turned to look at her, fingers loosening, listening at least. "I can't not feel, and being around them made me feel… like I'm not Vulcan enough, not logical enough, not perfect enough, just plain not ENOUGH. You don't make me feel like that, and I am deeply sorry if I made you feel that, especially as currently you might also be finding it difficult to stop feeling." He made a small nod of acknowledgement.

Rolling her eyes as he just stood there, she slid her hand into his, tugging him over to the couch, smiling to herself at his eyes widening. She could feel his uncertainty whispering through their fingers and she could tell by the slight narrowing of his eyes that he could feel her frustrated amusement. It was forward, making this connection, like kissing someone she barely knew on the cheek, but she needed something to shake him out of his self-focus and judgement. She released his hand as he sat, turning to face him. "So tell me about your bondmate, you must be looking forward to seeing her?" Unfortunately that seemed to be a bad question.

"I have no bondmate. My parents never made the arrangements." He left the presumed reason unsaid.

"Really? I knew T'Pring didn't work out but I was sure your parents would have someone else in mind…" Spock's head shot up at the name, that was the same name from the message. How would T'Leiarel know that name? Confused by his sudden attention she continued, assuming it was just her knowledge of the situation that he might be curious about. "She was in my class, she told everyone her parents wanted her to bond with you, and then that afternoon you got into the fight with my brother and she was bonded to Saarin instead. So you were never bonded at all?" It seemed like a sensitive topic, but she couldn't help but ask, especially given his current state.

"I attempted a relationship during my time in Starfleet, but it proved mutually unsatisfactory." Despite the topic of conversation, he felt more in control of himself here. It was probably to do with his urge to be around her, and that was likely his instincts urging him to be near her. "You said you severed your bond with Savel?"

"He did, although I'm not entirely convinced we bonded to begin with. About a week after your fight with my brother I was brought to meet Savel and our parents made us touch hands and say the words, but I was so focused on not letting him feel how scared I was about him knowing my secret that I'm not sure we really connected much. My brother let him know about my condition shortly before my exams at the Science Academy, he was considerate enough to wait until after the examinations to sever our arrangement. I left for Earth on an impulse but honestly it was the best thing I could have done." Her brother had done that to her? No wonder being around him was painful. Now he was compounding it by trying to force her back into the very same arrangement he had ruined.

"I am sorry that you had to experience that. Is it not good that you are now to enter into the bond after all?" Spock didn't feel like it was good, but with so few Vulcans left every pair was important, logically she should be with the best partner she could, and with less competition the complication of her genetics could be overlooked, unlike his own.

"No. I told my brother repeatedly that I don't want to marry." Her voice was firm, angry, though he wasn't sure why, at least until she continued. "I don't want to be someone's wife, at the beck and call of their urges, a tolerated necessity only there to breed. Just because a thing needs doing does not mean I have to be the one to do it, especially not if it means sacrificing everything that makes me who I am to do it, and risking returning to negative patterns."

Spock thought for a moment. On the one hand logically as a newly endangered species they needed as many children as possible, but on the other hand she was here, and alive, and the potential offspring she might have were just that, potential. It was a difficult situation to apply logic to. But emotion, emotion was much clearer, strangely so. He didn't want that life for her any more than she clearly wanted it for herself, he didn't want her married to a strange Vulcan on a strange world she did not want to be on. Part of that was because he wanted her to be with him, but largely it was simply because he did not want her to have to endure it.

"Then I will do what I can to prevent it." It was a few simple words, but he could visibly see the tension easing in T'Leiarel's shoulders. His finger twitched as he squashed the urge to hold her, to promise to never let her be taken away from him, it was the time, and he had no right, and she had made her disinterest in Vulcan men quite clear. His mind kept being drawn back to the dreams, he had dreamed of her. It was not surprising perhaps, as he had met very few Vulcan women, of any age, that looked at him, really looked at him, the way she had then, and did now, as someone to be understood. "Who did you dream of?" She had said she dreamed, after all, and he couldn't help but wonder who it was of.

"I suppose you could say he was my childhood hero. I used to hear stories about him, and I wondered what he must be like, what he would achieve with his life, it inspired me to do more myself." She didn't say a name, and Spock found himself wondering who she might have heard stories about… it would have to be one of his classmates for her brother to have spoken of him often, he doubted her parents would have spoken about young boys to her. Perhaps Tunek? He had been Stelev's other main friend. Tunek had died on Vulcan while using a transporter to send as many people off the planet to nearby vessels as possible, proof that some former bullies could improve. "What about your dreams? Did you dream of someone?"

"I did." He wasn't sure how to put it, but she kept looking at him with a clear interest in knowing. "A girl I did not know the name of." Which was true, he had not known at the time. "She has exceptionally beautiful eyes." Expressive, with emotions swirling through their green depths, as she smiled he could swear there was a sadness there. Was it possible for someone to be both happy and sad at once or was he simply being paranoid? He wanted to make it so she was never sad again, though logically he knew that was most certainly impossible, and even if it were something he could make possible by sheer focus it was not his place.

"Would you like to play chess?" As much as the conversation had been good, a chance to examine feelings without judgement, T'Leiarel did not want to push things and uncover more than she could handle right now. A distraction seemed exactly the thing, and chess would keep her mind occupied. She wondered how long it would take Enterprise to reach New Vulcan, so that Spock, at least, could return to not needing to examine his emotions. It was going to be a rough week after this was over.


	9. Weighty Topics

They had played three games of chess, Spock had won twice, although it had been close all three times. They had done some reading, listening to music and quietly enjoying each other's presence. It had been pleasant but the inaction was wearing, and so she had enquired if there was an exercise space on the ship.

Spock was not entirely sure whether the exercise was helping. It was almost the opposite of the problem with the reading; there his mind had been busy and his body restless, now his body was active but his mind roiled. He pushed himself to lift a heavier weight than usual, not sure whether it might in part be motivated by a desire to impress, but for the most part simply wanting to vent his energy. His mind and his eyes were fixated on her however, as she slipped through the motions of a moving meditation, part yoga, part martial art, part dance, similar in some respects to the human practice of tai chi, but involving more bending. It was fluid and graceful, and he could not look away. He had occasionally seen this form of meditation practiced before on Vulcan but they were less popular than sitting meditations, considered a less pure way of focusing the mind, fit only for children and those teaching children. Her movements seemed far more practiced, he wondered how often she did this.

"Here you are." Kirk interrupted his thoughts. Carefully Spock put the weight down, resisting the urge to throw it. "Bones told me you were signed off duty, something about a medical requirement? He wasn't very specific." In fact he had said 'ask them if you want to find out so bad, some top secret Vulcan thing, both of them'. "I just wanted to check you were both doing okay?" Kirk watched as T'Leiarel finished her last few movements, head tilted with an appreciative look that made Spock glare. Slowly she turned to face them both, raising an eyebrow at the look on Spock's face, reminder enough to smooth it to calmness by the time Kirk looked in his direction in confusion.

"I am managing as well as can be expected in the circumstances Captain. I believe the same can be said for Commander Spock." The captain looked between the two of them, clearly trying to figure out what was going on and very aware that they were keeping information from him. For several long moments nobody spoke.

"Was there anything else Captain?" Spock asked eventually, moving to stand by T'Leiarel. He noticed the gravity shift as he stepped into the floor work space she had selected, it only made sense that she would need levels of gravity similar to Vulcan for bodyweight movements. T'Leiarel smiled to herself as she noticed he had placed himself slightly between herself and the Captain.

"Well… I wanted to let you know we should be arriving early tomorrow. I think Scotty might have boosted the warp drive again on the quiet. Anyway, shouldn't be too long." He shifted awkwardly, the pair of them watching him was disconcerting. He had started to get used to Spock just watching him when he was speaking without saying anything, but this was two of them, and one of them was definitely smirking.

"Thank you for the information." Her voice was calm, even amused but somehow, without turning, Spock could feel a faint thrum of anxiety. Perhaps it was just his own worry about her leaving. He had only spent a few hours with her, and yet it felt as if he had always known her and couldn't imagine being apart. He had to remind himself this connection was hormonal, and that she likely wanted to return to Earth once her business on New Vulcan was complete. "I am going to clean up." She rested her hand on his shoulder, bare in the work out vest, her fingers warm in the cool air. The touch was comforting, although he knew it was likely about gauging his current state of mind. He tried to think positive thoughts, which wasn't hard as he looked back at her. He filled his mind with contentment in the moment. "Dinner in the mess hall in one hour. I have a busy day tomorrow it would seem."

"So you two seem to be getting pretty close." Kirk commented once she had left, Spock responded with a raised eyebrow. "Making dinner plans, telling you what to do… it's almost like the pair of you are married." He knew it was an attempt at a joke but Spock couldn't help narrowing his eyes at a pang of envy. "What are Vulcan weddings like anyway?"

"Perhaps you should ask T'Leiarel for an invitation." In truth the knowledge that he would never be bonded to anyone was an old pain, familiar, for all that it was being brought to the foreground currently. He wanted to be there, but he had no reason to be. He had a feeling this would end in violence, if her brother pushed her would she demand Kal-if-fee? And, if so, who would be her champion? "Good day, Captain." He nodded, politely and made his way to get changed, pushing down the urge to go straight to her and make her promise not to leave the ship. To never leave the ship where he could keep her safe.

Kirk watched his first officer go. He had not expected the joke about marriage to have had that much of an effect. Something was clearly wrong, that much had been clear from the shuttle but was even more obvious now, as well as the obvious crush Spock seemed to have on their guest. He wondered whether she had noticed yet. Sighing he decided to wait and see what happened, this seemed more than a little out of his area of expertise, if it wasn't settled by the time they were due to leave Vulcan he would have to look into it more closely.


	10. A Poem in the Mess Hall

T'Leiarel arrived at the mess hall early, taking a cup of peppermint tea to sit by the window. She had wanted to be there before Spock arrived, she had not expected to find herself with company before that point.

Spock could recognise her laugh through the wall as he approached the mess hall… he hadn't heard her laugh before but still he knew it was her as certainly, if not more so, as he recognised the answering laugh belonged to Uhura. From the corridor he could not tell what they were discussing but the panic and paranoia welled up in him. He froze. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the emotions were more unpredictable and harder to control, there was absolutely no reason Uhura would say anything negative about their relationship, or even mention it at all, there was no reason to assume they were even discussing him.

"Is everything okay there?" It was slightly disconcerting to McCoy how quickly Spock turned at the sound of his voice.

"I am on my way to meet T'Leiarel at the mess hall." McCoy nodded.

"Well on Earth it's generally considered bad manners to keep a lady waiting…" He tried prompting. Spock nodded, and they entered the mess hall together. "Good to see that you two are getting on so well." He commented as he approached the two women. "Do you mind if we join you?"

"Not at all Doctor, we were just discussing Vulcan poetry, particularly the older poems about emotions. I recited my favourite poem for Lieutenant Uhura, who had not heard two of the words involved before due to them now being considered somewhat vulgar with the cultural shifts." T'Leiarel greeted them both with smiles and Spock had to squash the illogical surge of jealousy as McCoy sat next to her, leaving Spock with the seat next to Uhura.

"I didn't think Vulcans would be interested in poetry, doesn't seem very logical to me. I would be interested in hearing some, although I am fairly sure I wouldn't recognise any of the words." Spock raised an eyebrow at McCoy's lack of insight into their race, then again it was not a topic they had reason to have discussed.

"Poetry is very popular, the focus on selecting precisely the correct combination of words to express a logical concept in a beautiful form is a much respected art form. Although personally I don't particularly like most of the poetry from the last few centuries. I can attempt a translation if you like, although I'm not certain how well it will translate, the rhythm and rhyme won't exactly work and the topic is somewhat… risqué." McCoy's eyebrows went up and he nodded interestedly. He was mildly surprised about the poetry but he never would have guessed Vulcans might have dirty poetry…

"Fingertips. The feel of your skin is a soft resistance, the sweetest of barriers between our beings. I trace the contours of your hand, I learn the delicate beauty, the dip of your knuckles beneath my searching touch. I feel your breath as mine, the wind smells of your uncertainty, gritted sand of desire catches at my eyes. You shift and I lose sensation, I drown in the loss and the longing, but you know this. Your fingertips trace the lines of my palm, tauntingly close to connection. Your lips part in a gasp as the water of my love crashes into you. Slowly you slide upwards, your eyes shining dark as the shade of a tree at noon. Closer and closer to the sweet rain as we drink of one another, bonding closely to one breath, one echoing sigh, you fill me with more than I can dream and yet I can never have enough. My blood is yours and it burns."

There was a moment of silence as she finished. Spock knew he had never heard a poem like that before but it felt familiar, and deeply sensual, he focused his gaze on the table, trying to get the image of her hands on his out of his mind. The rawness and openness of the description, the depth of the connection and bond between the two characters, it stirred a hunger which had nothing to do with the mess hall.

"Is that it?" McCoy frowned in confusion. "It's lovely but I don't see how it's risqué." He frowned even more at the glare Spock was giving him. "It's a love poem about touching hands?" Uhura and T'Leiarel were smirking, at least until Uhura noticed Spock's glare and got more concerned.

"You may have noticed Vulcans do not shake hands as humans do, the touching of hands other than out of need for survival is reserved for close friends, family and lovers, as well as on occasion medical professionals. Vulcans are touch telepaths, particularly with our fingertips, and emotions are much more personal than something as simple as nudity, the build of understanding and emotional connection between the writer and her beloved is a deep revelation of the self. Although I have been taught that the reason Vulcans do not touch their food is because of hygiene and discipline, personally I think it might be to do with the sensuality of food and fingers in combination." Well that made a certain amount of sense. T'Leiarel was certainly more open about a lot of these things than most of the Vulcans he'd come across, despite her secretiveness earlier. It was then that she looked to Spock and raised an eyebrow at his glare. Perhaps she shouldn't be discussing these things around him right now… He looked down, taking a deep breath.

"Maybe we should go and say hello to Sulu…" Uhura suggested, trying to give the Doctor a way out. The two slipped away from the table, leaving T'Leiarel and Spock alone.

"I am hungry, do you have any recommendations as to what is likely to be good on board?" Spock looked up, his eyes going to her fingers where she rested her chin against one hand before meeting her eyes.

"I have often found the Kleetanta to be pleasant." T'Leiarel nodded, moving to stand. "I can collect two bowls, if it is acceptable?" Another nod and Spock went to collect the food. She wondered if he knew that bringing food to a prospective mate had been common before the arranged marriages began, to prove an ability to provide, or perhaps he was simply being polite.


	11. Amanda

This is a short chapter but it felt like it needed to stand on its own.

They were children, in the kitchen, home on Vulcan, and his mother was making pancakes. T'Leiarel was cleaning the strawberries and removing the tops before handing them to Spock to chop. Setting down the cooked pancakes on the table, she ran her hand along Spock's cheek, a comforting and tender gesture he remembered well, though she'd always been careful to keep such displays private.

"I love you." Spock squirmed awkwardly, embarrassed, glancing sideways at T'Leiarel who was watching with her solemn green eyes. His usual response that he appreciated her presence in his life stuck in his throat.

"You should say it back." T'Leiarel commented, with the same certainty as when they had first met. "Embarrassment is just as much an emotion as Love is, logically it is better to express one emotion in a positive manner than to feel two in a manner that causes pain." Having decided that matter she bit into one of the strawberries, licking the juice from her fingers.

"You two take care of each other." His mother stood, walking to the door.

"Mother." She looked back at him. "I love you." She smiled, that beautiful smile he saw so seldomly, hidden behind the still performance demanded by her, but let out in small, rare, private moments.

"I know. Thank you for telling me." Then she was gone.

Spock awoke in a swirl of emotion so deep and confusing that he could not begin to name them all. It took several long moments before he reached trembling fingers to wipe away the tears on his cheeks. It was an odd pain.

He did not remember his mother having made pancakes before, they had always eaten Vulcan food for the most part, but he had been encouraged into trying them at the academy, and they did seem a very pleasant Human food. Perhaps he should see if he could locate the recipe in the food synthesisers, it seemed unlikely that they would not have such a popular Human food in the database.


	12. Invites and Refusals

It has been a while since I last posted... sorry about that but creativity comes in waves and I am easily distracted so it might well happen again... hopefully I can finish this story arc before it does but the only way to find out is for me to get writing and see what happens.

T'Leiarel was surprised when Spock showed up with pancakes, they were the first thing she had eaten when she arrived on Earth, the first taste of freedom, and perhaps her last. These weren't exactly the same, those had been thinner and flatter, English style, while these were fluffy and American but they were still in many ways exactly what she had been dreaming about, literally. It was very strange that she would have dreamed of first arriving on Earth and feeling so overwhelmed and stumbling into that pancake shop, only for Spock to be there, and he then showed up with the same dish. But coincidences happened all the time right?

She had been dreaming of him a lot recently, but then she'd been thinking about the time, and about the dreams that came with it and he was the only vulcan, or half vulcan really, who had never made her feel like she was a disappointment for being herself... of course part of that might have been that they had barely spoken before now. He had seen her smile and laugh and frown and not been disgusted by it, as far as she could tell.

There was no use thinking about it though. Today he would still see the priestess, move through his time and move forward to his career in Starfleet, without the urges making him want to spend time around her. It was just the hormones between them, on his side at least. She could at least admit to herself that she might have an interest in the man of two worlds, the hero who had fought for both of those worlds... But the dashing version splashed across the data streams or the vulnerable and emotional Spock who she had been helping over the last day, neither of those were the truth of who he was. Soon he would go back to that science officer, and she would have to be prepared for that. If she survived long enough for that to be a concern, which was FAR from certain.

As the ship dropped out of warp T'Leiarel found herself drifting over to the window to look down at the planet below. It had its own kind of bleak beauty, but the dusty browns and golds were nothing like the greens and blues she had come to value on Earth. A few small lakes glittered like jewels scattered across the surface, but it was a planet defined in sand not water, dry and harsh. Even with the choice of dozens of worlds the Vulcans had chosen to stay close to the stark necessity of their homeworld without the excess and abundance they could have sought out. The absence of distraction must help with honing a mind of purity and logic she supposed. It was not for her.

Spock said nothing as they looked at the planet together. He didn't need to touch her to feel her need for this quiet moment of contemplation. So many of their people had consolidated together here, had made it their home, but both of them knew what it was to be unwelcome. He wasn't sure what he could do to soften that, as much as he wanted to. He was about to reach out, not sure whether it was to reassure himself that she was able to handle the emotions she must be feeling or to attempt to soothe her in some way, when he was stopped by an incoming message from the bridge.

"As you're probably aware, we're in orbit around Vulcan. Your brother has messaged us as soon as we came out of warp to see when we can get you down there on the shuttle pod. Apparently he's decided the wedding is in just over an hour and wants as much time as possible to get you presentable..." Kirk's tone showed his emotional response to her brother's words. Spock's frown was likewise clear in its disapproval. "Spock's father has also sent a message to say he's anticipating his son's arrival, and something about having made preparations? He was pretty cryptic about what for... are you planning on going to T'Leiarel's wedding Spock? Or is it something else."

Spock took a deep breath, trying to decide what to say. He wanted to be there, he wanted to stop it, to help her to stop it, but she had not invited him and it was not his place. He wasn't family, he wasn't her chosen champion, he was just someone drawn to her by the power of his urges. He certainly couldn't bear to tell the Captain what his father had made preparations for, the meditation and exercises to overcome the drives he could not face alone, the melding and the rigor of logic enforced over his emotional turmoil.

"Something else." He said finally, though it was clearly not as specific as the Captain had been hoping.

"I was wondering if Dr McCoy and Lieutenant Uhura could be spared from their duties? They seemed interested in Vulcan traditions. I no longer have much family, and while I am sure my brother will have invited the people he wants to be there, I wouldn't mind some company myself." Spock felt an ache at the reminder he had not been invited, it was mitigated slightly by the amusement that neither had Kirk. "It's not often such private ceremonies are opened to outsiders, but honestly I would be happy to have them there simply to annoy my brother, the fact that they seem like interesting people who might enjoy it is very much a bonus." Spock wondered if Kirk would ask, as he had told him to.

"So... you wouldn't happen to mind an extra guest... would you?" Well that answered that. T'Leiarel smiled, the amusement breaking through the dread.

"You are very welcome to come as well Captain, if your duties permit? I will warn you my plan is to disrupt things, but it should be quite the show..." T'Leiarel turned back to the window briskly, leaving Spock to the call.

"Thank you for the information. We will make our way to the shuttle bay." He ended it before the Captain could respond. This time he didn't keep his hand from resting on her shoulder, though it was covered by fabric and he could sense nothing... he wanted to but it would be such an invasion at this point, with the likely turmoil and with her unable to control it. He didn't have to wonder if his intended comfort was received though as she turned abruptly and unexpectedly embraced him, her cheek resting against his shoulder. His arms closed around her without thought. "You do not have to go." He so wanted her to say that she would stay here, with him.

"You know that's not true." It was final, decided, weighty with acceptance. She was right, but he wanted to argue, or at the very least wanted to be there for her, to fight for her. Who could she turn to? Her brother?

"I can wait until after the wedding to meet with the priestess. If you wanted me to be there?" He offered. T'Leiarel let out a deep breath. She wanted it, but at the same time she didn't want him to have to see it, the very brutality of their customs she wanted outsiders to see, to judge, she didn't want to inflict on one who knew them too well, the pain of them too familiar. Also the longer he waited the harder it would be to resolve his problems. She shook her head, though she couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye as she did so, still held against him so that he felt the refusal more than saw it.

"You need to take care of your own needs before worrying about me. Being there, around another man experiencing the time, will only bring it out of you more." It hurt to be turned away, but there was logic in it, even as he wanted her to put logic aside, to let him support her, and protect her... though that was more evidence of his urges, to care this much about her, he would want to protect her anyway but the depth of it was stemming from and feeding into his time. Being around her both managing his behaviour and exacerbating the cause of it, the emotional turmoil. "I'm not going to pretend I don't want you there, but I would prefer that you meet with the priestess." She pulled away, he let her go reluctantly.

They set off to the shuttle bay.


	13. Shadows of the Past

So there was something that one of the reviewers mentioned which I'd been hinting about the whole story... which is actually what nudged me into coming back to writing more of this... They get the "spotted the foreshadowing" award...

Spock was finding it very hard to concentrate. They had begun by centring meditations to try and prepare for the meld, attempting to control as much of the emotion within him as possible. There had been tea and incense. Now as he sat opposite the priestess who would be communing with him, likely more than once over the next few days, he tried to concentrate on the flame as he had been asked, but his mind kept going back to T'Leiarel. It was almost like there was an echo of her fear at the back of his mind, but that couldn't be true. It was probably just his imagination stirred by the hormonal shifts. It took an especially strong bond to be able to feel a bondmate who wasn't there, and he didn't have a bond with T'Leiarel, a day in her company was hardly enough to forge one. At least he thought that was the case, as far as he knew it took a lot of effort to try and forge any bond in adulthood, let alone one strong enough to connect them like that.

"Are you ready to begin?" Spock looked up from the flame to concentrate on the priestess's question. He nodded, more an intention than a fact, he wanted to be ready, and he had done his best, but he could hardly say he was emotionally still given the depths of his longing to go to her. He wanted nothing more than to run to her, and he doubted that would grow any quieter, but the priestess had to be used to some feelings in those she worked with. "This may feel uncomfortable at first."

It did feel a little invasive, melds often did but right now it seemed even more intimate, as vulnerable and emotional as he was. He tried but couldn't help feeling that he would rather someone else was this close to him right now, closer than skin.

"Why aren't you with her right now?" The priestess asked, surprising Spock as he raised his eyebrows. "I was told you didn't have a bondmate, but that clearly isn't true. I can feel the bond. So why are you not with her? Is she unable to make it back to New Vulcan?"

"I was never bonded. My parents never made the arrangements." But he had dreamed of her, even before he was asked to find her, and she had dreamed, though not of her betrothed... if it had been of him surely she would have said? Spock hadn't told T'Leiarel he dreamed of her so that she could focus on her marriage, or on avoiding it, but what reason would she have to hide her thoughts from him. Then again what reason would she have to share them? "You are sure there is a bond, it is not that I am longing for one, or that I have been around someone during this time?" The priestess frowned.

"You can force a bond through a meld. It is a violent action, abhorrent, not something you could easily miss. Otherwise in adulthood it takes concentration, guided mutual meditation and melding and again is not something you would be likely to overlook, it is only as a child with minds still malleable that a connection can form easily." Spock hadn't done any of those things, he hadn't forced his mind on hers, they hadn't melded together, much as he wanted to right now, and there had been no ceremony as a child... but there had been a connection, the brief touch between them." With so much of his mental control stripped away already and with her thoughts inside his mind she knew the instant he thought of it, drawing the memory out so that they could both watch the interaction.

"Would that be enough?" Spock asked urgently. There was hope and fear warring in him at the answer, he had given up hope that he would ever have a bondmate, but T'Leiarel was, right as they spoke, at a marriage to another man, one she did not want but might feel pressured into doing for the good of the Vulcan race. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. But right now all he wanted, all he needed, was her, and for her to feel the same. Though the hormonal shifts and bonding urges were less volatile in women than in men. For her to feel anything for him would be enough. "We barely spoke, we were alone, her fingers brushed the back of my hand... would that be enough?" And, though he didn't ask, because the priestess could hardly be expected to tell, would he be able to stop her marriage before it was too late? Would she even want him to when she had told him to come here instead?


	14. Does Anyone Object?

The solemn bells were slow, ponderous, designed for maximum pomp. This ritual was not logical, though it was very traditional. There was a lot about Vulcan society that was less logical than they claimed to be.

T'Leiarel had let them paint her face and dress her in the gown, though she had refused to let them dye her hair despite her brother's frustration. He was going to be more frustrated by the time the day through, and if she was going to dress the part that didn't mean she had to tolerate anything that would linger. If she survived long enough for that to be an issue. They had opted for a heavy headdress that covered most of her hair in retaliation.

She approached where those standing as her clan were waiting. The small, confused but excited, trio of humans and the Vulcans who were clearly trying to pretend they weren't there.

"You look lovely." McCoy said gruffly. After all it seemed the right thing to say. She smiled broadly, causing a murmur of disapproval and was about to say something in response but she was nudged forwards by her brother, towards the sands at the centre of the space. A priestess stepped forwards and cleared her throat.

"These sands represent the sands of Vulcan, of every family, all the lost lands of our heritage." She began. "There is a lot of history here, so it is here where our solemn ceremonies take place." Stelev's grip was tight on her arm as he pulled her forwards. Savel was being held to a steady pace, more to keep him back than to urge him forwards, or perhaps to keep him upright. He did not look to be in a balanced state. Something that surely even the humans must notice. "As Savel and his family stand ready to bring T'Leiarel into their midst..."

"Wait." T'Leiarel said, interrupting the priestess. "I refuse this union. I would like to give both families the chance to withdraw their support of this union before resorting to drastic measures, but I will if I have to."

"No! You can't do this!" Savel shouted, pulling against the family members holding him. He was far from the logical and considerate man she had once spoken with as the urges fought within him.

"What is the meaning of this? You assured us everything was in order." One of Savel's family asked Stelev disapprovingly.

"There is no logical reason to refuse this match." Stelev insisted to T'Leiarel, his hand bruisingly tight. "For once just behave yourself for long enough not to shame our family. For the good of our species you need to do your part. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one."

"Perhaps." He seemed to think he had won and eased on her arm enough for her to pull away from him and grab the striker for the ceremonial gong. "But the needs of the one outweigh the desires of the many. You don't NEED this, Savel should have been seen to by the priestesses over a week ago when I told you I did not want this marriage. Better genetic samples than mine can be used with artificial insemination and surrogates to replenish our species. You WANT this marriage for your own reputation and career, for your convenience. I won't sacrifice my future so you can force one you choose on me. I would rather die." Dramatic perhaps but true, and in that moment it was very likely. "Are you willing to risk your life to force me into this?"

"Don't embarrass our family. Savel is the one our parents chose for you, bonded you to, and your condition has already ruined it once. You shouldn't waste this second chance." Stelev hissed. It was rich for him to say that, when he was the one who had told them in the first place, but now it was useful to him. "Nobody is going to stand for you. Is that why you brought these humans here? Do you think they will break our sacred traditions? This is not their world, you are not their concern and this is not their gravity, making them your champion would only lead to their death, and bringing a diplomatic incident on our whole people. Not even you can be that emotional and selfish."

"Now, I might not know quite what's going on here, but if T'Leiarel doesn't want to get married shouldn't that be her choice? What's this about people dying?" Kirk said, confused.

"Just watch Captain. I won't involve you, other than to watch the logical traditions of our people as they force me to either give up everything that I am to be the wife of someone I barely know or see blood spilled on these oh so symbolic sands." T'Leiarel raised the striker and hit the gong, even as her brother tried to grab at her again. "I declare Koon-ut-kal-if-fee."

"And who exactly do you plan to choose as your champion?" Stelev asked derisively.

"I will stand for her, if she will have me." Spock's words drew attention to his arrival, the drama unfolding, he was breathing slightly heavily from running but he had arrived just in time to hear the gong.

"You would choose a half-breed over your family?" Stelev demanded fiercely.

"I would choose freedom over servitude, I would choose life over cocooning myself in who you want me to be until I wither away to nothingness. My choice is for me, because I have no family." Saval's relatives had let him go and were backing out of the circle, the gong had focused him and he was very clearly balanced on the edge of attack, this was going to be a difficult fight. Then Stelev made a big mistake.

He hit her, knocking T'Leiarel to the ground. Then things started happening very quickly. Savel smashed into Stelev, and Spock rushed forwards towards the circle as well, but T'Leiarel put her hand up to stop him and he paused, on the edge of the circle, every instinct telling him to go forwards, but forcing himself to respect her choices. "Protect your friends, don't let them get involved."

She pulled herself back to her feet, gripping the striker tightly. There was the crack of bone and Stelev's cry of pain, so she shouted over it to make herself heard. "I choose myself as my champion, it is my life and I will not have it won by another to decide for me." She hadn't expected to get the whole sentence out, she had expected Savel to turn, but he didn't stop kicking Stelev. So she smashed him on the head with the striker. That got his attention.


	15. Blood on the Sands

Spock wasn't entirely sure he would have been able to keep himself from going to her if he wasn't busy stopping Kirk from doing just that, and McCoy from going to Stelev. His heart almost seemed to stop each time Savel lunged at T'Leiarel and the ferocity, the rage, the slow drip of green onto the sand from Stelev, it all combined to twist his mind up with the urges and longings, until he could barely think. But he held onto the one thing he COULD do to help her: give her this chance to win her own life.

"Good God man! You can't just expect us to stand and watch while that fellow tries to attack that poor girl! And I have to stabilise her brother, they might not be on the best of terms but surely you can't want him to die!" McCoy was quite vocal, Kirk on the other hand was surprisingly quiet, on edge, so Spock had to be careful he didn't do something impulsive, as much as Spock wanted to be the one doing impulsive things right now. It gave him something else to be looking at instead of the fighting.

"Well... that settles that... I hope?" Uhura commented quietly, Spock felt a surge of panic but he turned back to find T'Leiarel surprisingly the one still standing.

"Through combat I claim the right to my own fate, my own future. I renounce my family and the plans they have made for me. By blood and by battle my life is my own." Her voice was strained, but she managed to get the words out clearly. Spock couldn't hold himself back any longer and ran to her, sweeping her up into his arms before he could stop himself. He had to remind himself that he hadn't the right, in fact that she had fought that nobody would have the right to run to her like this, and froze. "You were supposed to be with the priestess." She said softly, as he managed to set her down, though he couldn't quite let go of her.

"She told me the best thing I could do was to go to my bondmate." Spock replied, just as softly.

"Your... but you never..." She frowned, then her eyes went wide. "But how? When?" He could feel the surprise and wonder mingled with fear surging through her as she pulled back from him slightly, giving herself a little space, though it pained him to have her even that small step away. "We need to discuss this privately, later." He supposed it was a lot to take in, but it felt right. It felt like she was a part of him that he had never noticed but was just there, and he was deeply afraid she wouldn't feel the same way, and he couldn't push that down properly, couldn't cover it in logic, not at the moment. This must be how she felt all of her feelings... vibrant and consuming.

One of the Vulcan doctors tried to check T'Leiarel over but she waved him away, back to dealing with the two men. Instead she limped the short distance to the small group of humans. "Thank you for not getting involved."

"Are all Vulcan weddings this... active?" Kirk asked, somewhat incredulously, clearly trying to break the tension. McCoy seemed on edge as well, having been shooed away from treating the patients and still not sure what was wrong with Spock... there is no way the logical Vulcan he had known these last years would be making those puppy eyes at T'Leiarel's back like he was doing right now... There was something going on with him that they weren't telling him about properly, and he was clearly head over heels for her, though whether that was connected to this whole mess was anyone's guess.

"Apparently my help isn't needed here and your Vulcan doctors know more about Vulcan physiology than me." McCoy grumbled. "But you should at least have someone check you over, a few of those blows looked pretty hard." T'Leiarel smiled, then winced as she pulled the cut on her lip.

"Go right ahead. Them I don't trust to focus on the injuries and steer clear of telling me that I need psychological help for causing this whole mess..." She sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Family isn't always easy." Uhura commented, drawing the attention of the others, it seemed there was a story there, but she didn't go into detail. "It is worth remembering that relatives and family might be considered synonyms in many cultures, but that doesn't mean they are actually the same thing. One is about genetics and one is about love. Are you looking forward to going back to Earth? It is going to be awkward waiting for the next ship headed that way."

"I'm not going back." T'Leiarel responded with a sigh. "And I'm definitely not staying here... I guess I'll catch the first ship I can find willing to take me anywhere but here and I'll work things out from there."

"You, you're going to disappear again?" Spock frowned as he spoke, causing even more concern to his shipmates, it was clear he wanted a connection here, but perhaps she didn't. She had fought pretty hard to avoid getting married, maybe she just didn't like relationships? Little did they know that it was the depth of feelings that made her pull back not the lack of them.

"I feel like Earth was just me waiting for something like this to happen, to try and drag me back... I need a proper fresh start, one where I can build a life, a family I guess? Like the Enterprise is for you." She took Spock's hand, he could feel such a swirl of emotion, but then his were all over the place too, it made it hard to figure them out. There was pain, longing, love, fear, there was also a healthy dose of desire there, but he couldn't be sure that wasn't just his time affecting his perception, or affecting her through the bond, or both.

"Well, if you want you can keep your room on the ship for a bit longer?" Kirk offered, not sure whether it would make things better or worse for his first officer but wanting to do something. "At least until we have to leave orbit."

"Not least because you've got several muscle tears, two greenstick fractures that really need fixing up before you put too much pressure on them and make them worse, and I'm seeing elevated levels of quite a few hormones, but since I don't know nearly enough about your condition to know if that's normal for you or not I'd like to keep an eye on things." McCoy added, though to be honest he wouldn't object to having the woman around more, it was nice to see Spock interested in someone, even if the actually seeing it part was disconcerting. Though weren't he and Uhura a couple... he frowned giving her a glance. She seemed to be taking this okay but he'd have a word with her later. "You shouldn't really be standing right now, and definitely no jumping for joy at getting out of your wedding. Hey Spock..." He didn't get chance to finish that sentence before Spock had lifted T'Leiarel again. She sighed but the small smile gave it away that she was more amused than annoyed... perhaps there was something there with those two. "I was going to ask about your treatment? That you were supposed to be doing right now?"

"It can wait." Spock replied cryptically. Kirk was amused to see both McCoy and T'Leiarel give him the same frustratedly amused frown. Though he figured she at least knew what was going on. "There's some discussion needed regarding the course of treatment to follow."

"Discussion?" McCoy asked, but it seemed that was all he was going to get from Spock, he turned his attention to the more forthcoming of the two Vulcans in the hope that she might enlighten him more, she had certainly told him more than most Vulcans tended to so far.

"There's multiple treatment options, like I said before. The first choice, traditionally, was something that didn't seem like an option in this case, you just witnessed the second traditional option, which understandably is less preferable." Her eyes looked pointedly at the blood on the ground, the Vulcan patients having already been carried away. "The priestesses can provide an alternative which doesn't always work but if necessary can be combined with some medication to increase its odds, but there's risk. The first choice treatment is the first choice for multiple reasons, and not just the fact it's the safest and most effective option." She did have a way of telling McCoy things while leaving out whole chunks of what she was talking about, explaining around the things she didn't want to say.

"Dammit, just tell me what's going on, is this some sort of Vulcan puberty or something that leads to people getting married or fighting each other or whatever? That Savel fellow was not looking well before the fight even started. Is that going to happen to Spock?" The doctor demanded an explanation, though he knew he should probably not be doing this in front of Kirk and Uhura, they were Spock's friends too though, and they had to be damned curious too.

The two Vulcans looked at each other for a very long pause, seeming to communicate through careful use of eyebrows, or so McCoy decided to believe. Eventually T'Leiarel sighed.

"Can we just get back to the ship for now? I'm actually in quite a bit of pain." She seemed to have decided something, McCoy wanted to push for more information but she was his patient right now, and if they seemed to think Spock had some time before things would get worse he should focus on treating her. Besides she might say more while she was under the influence of pain medication...

Spock also wanted to know what she had decided, but he could hope, and back on the ship where she would be safe from her family they could talk. They definitely needed to talk.

AN/

So I was asked in a review about if I had an idea what T'Leiarel looks like. I am actually fairly open to people imagining her how they like, so feel free to skip to the next chapter now if you have your own image for her. But if it's helpful for you to have a face to a name... personally I am imagining something similar to Eliza Taylor but with greener eyes.

Also, thanks to everyone for the reviews, they are really encouraging me with my writing.


	16. Sticky Sickbay Situations

McCoy had managed to shoo most of the others out of the sickbay but Spock was being particularly stubborn, and he knew it would be hard to get T'Leiarel to answer any of the questions without Spock stopping him, not that he should really be taking advantage of pain medication to get gossip. He could have made conversation though...

"Right, so I've patched up the muscle and bone damage for the most part, but you might want to take it easy for a few days... and expect to be a little sore when the analgesic I gave you starts to wear off, and you might be a tad wobbly for an hour or two, so I'm going to see about sending one of my nurses to sit with you, since Spock is supposed to be seeing to his own treatment." He said with a sigh, still wondering what exactly was so secret about Spock's condition and treatment, but if it had something to do with marriages and coming of age or puberty or whatever was setting his hormones off then perhaps that was why the Vulcans were so secretive yet calm about it, it wasn't exactly something wrong so much as something happening as expected perhaps? It was still frustrating to be out of the loop though.

"No." T'Leiarel said, pulling herself to a sitting position and clearly getting a head rush from it. She was not really in a fit state to be left on her own right now, whether she liked it or not. "No going away... I just, I need to get my head less fuzzy and we can talk." She pulled Spock towards her and he sat awkwardly next to her on the bed, his eyebrow raised questioningly at McCoy, though given his behaviour the last few days the Doctor wasn't sure he would listen if he told him to do anything else. "I just, I need to..." She shuffled closer to Spock and leaned her head on his shoulder, which was amusingly sweet and very not Vulcan, Spock frowned at McCoy's smile. "I'll be ready to go in a bit."

"There's no hurry, take your time." Spock responded with a soothing rumble. He felt more at peace than he had in a while. He was still emotional, but he was with his bondmate, and she was safe from the rest of the world here on the Enterprise where he could protect her. It wasn't that he didn't want more right now, but they were going to talk, and that was more than he had been able to hope for a few days ago, that he might ever have a bondmate with the kind of connection that only another Vulcan could provide.

"We have an incoming communication for Spock from the planet." Uhura informed them over the comm. "It's his father. We've also had a call for T'Leiarel but the Captain told them they would have to call back tomorrow, once she's been cleared by the doctor." There was a hint of amusement in her tone suggesting that Kirk had been less than polite about the matter. "Do you want me to put Sarek through to the sickbay?" McCoy looked at the two Vulcans sat on his bed, they didn't seem ready to walk anywhere just yet, maybe he'd get his answers after all.

"I would appreciate that Nyota." Spock responded.

"Spock. I have been hearing..." Sarek's words trailed off as he saw T'Leiarel leaning against his son. He raised an eyebrow. "Is this the young woman that I have been informed you have married?" His tone was concerned beneath the mild disapproval, it was hard to be sure if that was about the mistakenly reported marriage or the fact that Spock hadn't told him. "I thought you had arranged to meet with the priestess?"

"Father, this is T'Leiarel. We..." He wasn't entirely sure what to say, they hadn't discussed anything, he didn't know what she was going to decide, and all he could do was hope. Though it was hard to be sure how much of this deep yearning was really him.

"No." T'Leiarel murmured sleepily, without opening her eyes. "Not married, I don't want to be married. I won the fight so I don't have to get married." The analgesic induced drowsiness made her blunt. Spock swallowed hard, wishing he could hide the pain from his father, and from Doctor McCoy who was definitely eavesdropping as he pretended to clean something on the other side of the sickbay and had looked up at the question. "But bondmate is okay. I like that... If I'm going to be bonded to anyone, I'm glad it's Spock." She was glad? Spock frowned slightly, it wasn't quite what he had hoped for, but it was more than he had any right to expect. It was hard to be quite sure what he felt on it, so after a moment's contemplation he just looked at his father.

"How is your condition at the moment?" Sarek asked after the brief pause.

"Manageable, for the moment." Spock responded. Sarek nodded. "I did mean to contact you once matters were more... conclusive." It was part apology, though he hadn't truly had the time to consider his father, he knew that it must have been difficult to hear of this in rumour from another.

"I understand. It seems like a complicated situation. Perhaps we can discuss it this evening, over dinner?" Sarek asked gently, Spock had been getting on slightly better with his father lately, and the slight softness of his tone was evidence of that, he was worried about his son. "If your new... if T'Leiarel is up to it she would be quite welcome also." He added.

"Thank you father. I will discuss the invitation once she has rested." Spock responded, he brushed some of T'Leiarel's hair from her face, only to feel uneasiness through his fingertips. "Given the recent events on New Vulcan, would it be possible for you to come to the ship? I know that Ryota will be pleased to see you again, and the synthesisers are getting better with Vulcan foods." It wouldn't be the same as a home cooked meal, one which his father had much practice in preparing, but to be honest Spock didn't really want her to go back to the planet either, there were too many unmarried young Vulcan men down there. As irrational as it was to worry about that when she'd clearly show her dislike of the option, he still felt the strain a the thought.

"I would be happy to. Though I do hope you will find some time to visit me on New Vulcan as well at some point." Sarek responded with a nod. He could understand the tensions surrounding the situation, in fact he had probably already had some of that disapproval come his way if he had known about this, but he seemed unshaken, then again he was Vulcan. Spock would have to discuss it with him this evening. "I look forward to our discussion." Sarek gave T'Leiarel a pointed look, clearly wanting to know more but able to tell that things were far from settled in order for Spock to tell him. He ended the call.

"Was there anything else you needed doctor?" Spock asked gently, when McCoy shook his head Spock scooped T'Leiarel up. It felt right holding her in his arms, though he would have preferred her to be more awake while he did.

"You know if you don't want people getting the wrong idea, carrying her through the corridors of the ship and across the threshold of her room is not likely to help. It's quiet in here, she could just sleep it off here for a bit and I can let you know when she wakes up?" The doctor offered. It was the logical option but it wasn't the one he wanted to go with, Spock wanted to take her somewhere private so that he would know she was safe and protected. Okay there were other reasons he wanted to go to her rooms, but right now rest was the priority.

"I want to snuggle." T'Leiarel said firmly with a small shake of her head. McCoy raised an eyebrow with a smirk that made Spock both uncomfortable and mildly smug somehow? Yet more emotional issues, he would be glad when that ended. "And Spock wants to show off how manly he is since he didn't do any fighting. At least I figure that's why he's so eager to be doing lifting and stuff." That somewhat dented the feeling. "Can I tell you a secret?" She asked the doctor, it was Spock's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Shhh, just don't tell Spock." He wasn't sure if he should remind her he was in fact holding her, but he didn't have the time to have to decide because she was already speaking again. "Being all protective and fierce is kinda sexy." McCoy had that smirk again... "But you know what's sexier?" There was a long pause during which both men found themselves both curious and amused by the conversation. "Oh right, I didn't finish... right... what was I saying... sexy... right, yes it's knowing when to not. Like when to just let someone be them and... stuff. Difference between sexy protectoring and possessive judgy smothering."

"Right." McCoy responded with a glance at his friend. "Well I won't tell him if you don't okay?" She nodded. "Seems like her brain chemistry is even more susceptible to getting spun out by the medication than most people's. So good luck and make sure neither of you go wandering off by yourselves okay?" Spock nodded. "I still don't know what's going on with you so just... don't do anything I wouldn't do. And it should wear off soon."

Well... Leonard couldn't say he hadn't found out more about Vulcans, or at least these two Vulcans, but if anything it raised more questions instead of answers, like what exactly was a bondmate? Why had she had to fight in order to not get married? And was Spock crashing the wedding going to be taken as some sort of proposal like in the old Earth films? Too bad he wasn't allowed to talk about any of this with Uhura or Kirk... being a doctor meant you got all the juicy gossip but it also meant you couldn't talk about any of it.


	17. Coming Clean and Getting Dirty

T'Leiarel woke to the sound of a heartbeat and the warm feeling of skin under her cheek... which was not what she was expecting. She could feel contentment and affection through her fingertips. It was a little worrying. Not that she didn't like that Spock was happy, but it was a lot to take in... There was a twinge of uncertainty and worry leaking into the perfect ease as he clearly picked up on her feelings, which made her feel guilty... it was a trickle of emotional turmoil between them and she pulled back as Spock did the same.

"How are you feeling?" She stretched slowly, checking her body over as she did so, and the room. She was still wearing the horrible long dress from the wedding, complete with blood stains and tears. There were some aches, but the sleep had done her a world of good.

"I feel like I need a shower. But otherwise much better. But... why are you topless?" Not that she was exactly going to complain. She was trying not to be too obvious about admiring the view.

"Well... you were relatively insistent at the time and I thought it better to concede the point if it meant you would actually rest, as the doctor had asked you to do." Spock responded with some uncertainty, he wasn't sure how she would respond but he wanted to say so much more. "You said you wanted a pillow stuffed with feelings." He raised an eyebrow as he said it, remembering the frustrated amusement it had caused.

"Right... sorry about that." It was awkward, and there was a lot more they needed to discuss, but T'Leiarel just needed to clear her head for a moment. She escaped to grab her towel and hide in the bathroom for a short while as she got her thoughts together. It felt great to get the dust of New Vulcan off her skin. But she couldn't hide away forever.

Meanwhile outside Spock was likewise uncomfortable and trying to figure things out. Like whether to put his shirt back on for a start. On the one hand it was probably the sensible thing to do, on the other hand he had liked the way she had looked at him when she realised. Eventually he decided they needed to try and focus on their discussion, not the tension between them or the vulnerability of exposure. He couldn't help visualising T'Leiarel in the shower though, it was difficult to concentrate, but eventually the water stopped, and then after another while she came out.

"So... did you mean it when you said we were bonded?" She asked, frowning slightly as she sat near to Spock, but with space between them.

"The priestess said she could feel a strong bond, and all I could think of was you. You were the one I was dreaming about. I know you said you were dreaming about your childhood hero, and I know I can't be him, but I wanted you to know what I felt." He had a long time to think while she was sleeping, and he forced the words to come despite the fear. Having emotions so close to the surface made so many things harder... but then they also made things feel more important and vibrant.

"Who do you think that childhood hero was?" She asked with a small smile, appreciating his honesty. "My brother would always talk about you, about how different you were and how frustrated he was that you weren't responding to the things he was saying, he was talking to his friends of course, not me, but I wanted to know more before we even met. Someone he was convinced was feeling things but was able to stand up to him without bursting into tears, and then when you got into that fight... You have no idea how many times I wanted to punch him right in his smug face. I couldn't but you did, and now Savel has I guess." She shrugged as he looked at her with surprise and a small amount of wonder.

"Really?" She nodded. "I didn't really think about how that must have seemed from your side of things." He frowned. "So what do we do now? I can still go back to visit the priestess, work through my condition, you made it very clear you value your independence." He meant it, though he wanted very little more than to move closer to her right now. It was taking a lot of control to restrain himself. The fact that she was only wearing her large towel right now was not helping.

"Well... one of the few things about Vulcan customs that actually make sense is not making big life decisions while under the influence of hormones, I mean I don't want someone else making those decisions for me, but I don't want to be making them either while the bond is influencing me with the time..." She sighed, it seemed like he would be going back to the priestess... until she continued. "So I think we should have sex." He frowned in confusion. "I want to, and you want to, at least I assume you do..."

"I do." He had actually been fighting to think about much else for a lot of the time she had been asleep. "But you didn't want to get married so I thought you weren't interested in... well in me, like that."

"Spock, one thing you learn about emotions if you have to deal with them for any length of time, and I have, is that they are rarely as simple and pure as logic." She reached out her hand to rest it on top of his for a moment before turning it over so that they could touch finger tips. He could feel the uncertainty and determination, and the desire. He just felt guilty that it was probably the bond which was responsible, but then was it what was responsible for his feelings too? He supposed it was hard to be sure. "I think we can just do something because we want to, and because it will help to make things clearer. No promises, no strings, just exploring each other, and ourselves and if it doesn't go anywhere after this at least we'll know what it could be like with another Vulcan, I doubt either of us is going to get that chance again."

Spock wanted more, but he didn't want to pressure her, and he knew that she was right that they were both being influenced by hormones. He had only met her that one time until a short time ago, other than the fact that they were bonded and outcasts in Vulcan society what did they actually have in common? Though he would like to find out. Their touching hands made it seem as though her feelings mirrored his, though whether her thoughts did too in this was hard to be sure.

"Well it is the safest and most effective treatment, regardless of the social pressures and expectations surrounding it..." He said slowly, feeling out the logic but knowing it was more justification than any real explanation of why he was going to agree... not that it made it any less true. "And I am not sure if you recall this part of your time on board the ship, given the medication, but my father did want to speak with us... it would likely be helpful to have resolved some things by then."

"How long do we have to... resolve things?" She grinned as she asked and he could feel the anticipation, so like his own.

"Five hours." Spock responded, leaning closer.

"Then hopefully we'll have time to continue the conversation with clearer heads, but I won't bet on it if we only have five hours..." She raised an eyebrow suggestively as she pulled him closer, pressing her lips to his in a firm kiss. That was the last straw for his restraint and he found himself kissing her back, hand running though her hair, still damp from the shower. Everything else could wait until after.


	18. Like Father, Like Son

They had managed to get a little conversation done before Spock had to leave to greet his father... which left T'Leiarel to worry about what Sarek would think, and what Spock would say to him about her before they met, and to worry about why exactly she was so worried.

She wound up fiddling with the table settings and looking around the room. The captain had graciously allowed them the use of the captain's mess, though she suspected his offer had been an excuse to drop by to see what was going on, and if he had arrived ten minutes earlier he might have interrupted more than he was bargaining for... but as it was the timing had come together fairly smoothly. The thought of the long and enjoyable afternoon had a small smile on her face which turned into a bit of a blush across her cheeks as Spock and Sarek managed to walk in at that precise moment. With Kirk and Uhura leaving them at the door.

"Father, may I present T'Leiarel, my bondmate." Spock said formally as the door closed behind them, keeping the curious humans out of this particular discussion. "T'Leiarel, I am pleased to introduce you to Sarek, my father."

"I am grateful for the introduction, I have heard much of your father and his diplomatic exploits in the service of Vulcan, and now of New Vulcan." She kept her tone even, not sure yet whether she planned on keeping up the socially expected emotionless mask or whether she would be more honest as the meal progressed... Spock clearly cared about his father and their relationship, and she didn't want to bring more tension between them than could be helped. It was best to start polite and worry about the actually getting to know people later perhaps.

"My son has expressed his admiration for you in how he chose to explain the events of this morning. It takes a great deal of courage to stand as your own champion against a larger and stronger opponent with the determination of a young man's passion. Spock told me he had offered to fight for you, he has experience and it would have been safer for you, I am interested to know why you decided against it?" Sarek said, equally calmly but perhaps a little more directly. "I would have suspected that you did not want to find yourself bound to him by the result, but it is my understanding that you have not chosen to break your, unexpected, bond."

"I suppose I feel like there is a difference between being bonded to one another and being bound to the will of another. If I had chosen someone else as my champion they would be the ones paying the price for my freedom from my family, only for me to become their purview instead, the champion would be the one to decide if I married and whom. According to tradition." Spock shifted uncomfortably as she spoke. "I do not doubt for a moment that Spock would have let me make that decision, but I wanted it to be mine not something I am permitted."

"Very logical reasoning regarding the situation and finding the emotional and legal situation you needed to reach." Sarek responded, which surprised T'Leiarel. "Especially as you do not want to marry my son." There was weight to that statement, questions under the words themselves.

"It has little to do with Spock and everything to do with marriage. I don't want to get married, at least not right now, and not by Vulcan traditions, and not to someone I don't know especially well, yet." T'Leiarel explained and Sarek nodded, his manner easing slightly. So that was what he was concerned by, the suggestion that it might be Spock that was being rejected, something she knew Spock would be questioning too, she wished she could truly set those concerns at ease but there was little she could do on that front. That was an insecurity born of constant rejection by their fellow Vulcans, something she could empathise about but the only way to fix it would be through love, which would take time. "I do know that if it was anyone else I had found myself bonded to other than Spock I would have ended it already." That surprised both of men.

"So you do feel something for my son? For all that our people tend to place logic above emotion, I have come to learn there is one area where valuing and understanding your emotions can be deeply rewarding." Now that was something that surprised her. Sarek supporting the concept of emotions, of romance. "My wife, Spock's mother, taught me a great deal about the value of love. I hope it is something you and Spock will be able to learn as well, together or apart. Though I am sure you will understand if I ask you not to repeat the sentiment. I am sure you are as aware as I am how the majority of our people would react."

"I most certainly can understand." And she supposed with such an important job among their people his reputation was probably very important to him. It was a deep sign of trust that he would share it with her. Though she supposed it was hardly like she had anyone to tell, or that anyone would believe her. Still it was nice to see behind the facade, she was beginning to realise that more people hid parts of themselves than she had thought. It was a sign of the damage their culture had done to them all.

"So our plan is to spend the next two days while we are still in orbit to get to know one another better, and then T'Leiarel can decide where she wishes to go from there, as regards her living arrangements, and unless either of us has reason to object we will try and stay connected, meeting when possible." Spock explained, he had purposely waited until after his father had chance to meet her before fully discussing their intentions, though he had been quite sure the two would understand one another. He was less sure about his budding bond and romantic relationship, now that the passion and certainty of the urges had faded. But then one thing he had learned on the Enterprise was that nobody could predict the future, even those who had lived through it once.

"I would very much like it if you could find the time to visit the planet and see what I have managed to achieve over this last year, both with the house and the community. I can understand however if you would prefer not to. I cannot guarantee that there will be no friction, but now that I have some clarity on the situation I will do what I can to minimise it." Sarek offered gently, knowing that to pressure his son would be unwise, he was so headstrong, it only made sense that would be something he would share with a bondmate.

But then if the rantings of her brother and former betrothed had been correct she had V'lar's Syndrome, and would have had to be extremely resiliant to survive growing up with it in their culture. She was an impressive young woman, if the research he had been doing that afternoon was anything to go by. Much of the records had been destroyed with Vulcan but some of the fragments he had found about her academic success before leaving the planet spoke highly, and that was before considering her courage in leaving at all, and ability to survive on a strange world. It was clear she wasn't afraid to explore, also very like his son.

"I will try." Spock said non-noncommittally. Even now his feelings had settled somewhat he was reluctant to be away from T'Leiarel, there was so little time to get to know her further. He didn't want to push her into returning to a place and a people who had caused so much pain, and given the current gender imbalance perhaps the lingering traces of his instincts were against her being around so many young men before he could convince her to make things more certain between the two of them. Not that she seemed like the kind of person to be convinced of anything. The person most likely to have good advice on the matter was Nyota, but then it might be more than a little awkward given their history. He should probably make time to speak with her about things.

"I would love to visit your home." T'Leiarel said firmly. "As for the rest of the community, it might be safest to see how things settle down? It might be best for me not to go, but you should have some time with your son by yourself as well." She added with a shrug. "I know if I had a good relationship with my family I'd MAKE the time to spend with them when I got the chance."

"Thank you." Sarek replied. It was a considered response to the situation and encouraged him even more about the connection between the two of them. She could be good for Spock. "Now, I would like to hear more about how the two of you came to be bonded? It is not something that happens accidentally as a common occurrence."

"According to the priestess, all it takes is for the two young vulcans to be in a similar state of mind and wanting to connect, the ceremony is simply a way to encourage that, and bring the two families together. By inducing the nervous desire to please their families and emphasising the importance of that connection, as well as keeping them separated to discourage accidents and ensure logical pairings." Spock explained.

"Well, that makes a lot of sense." T'Leiarel responded, as Sarek also nodded his agreement. "We were both isolated and wanting someone who would accept us... I think? It was while my parents were speaking with you and the school principal after the fight with my brother."

"Well then, I am glad you found each other." Sarek said with a small smile, which might have not seemed like much on anyone other than a Vulcan but was, in context, quite the dramatic reaction. "It seems like a much more logical pairing than anything my wife and I were considering. I suppose the surprising logic of unplanned partners might run in the family, I know that mine was far from conventional, but it was by far the most important decision I ever made, and I am glad that I listened to my emotions as well as my logic."


	19. Making Friends and Making Plans

T'Leiarel made a point of going to sickbay in the morning as she figured the doctor would want a check up, and she didn't intend to make him try to find her. It wasn't like she knew many other people on board and she wanted to give Spock a little space. They had been spending so much time together over the last few days, and would probably be spending more over the afternoon and evening, so a bit of space to think by themselves seemed like a good idea.

"Oh, is something wrong?" McCoy asked as he saw her come into sickbay.

"No, I mean a few aches and pains like you said I might have..." It probably hadn't helped quite how active she had been the day before... The fight was a given, but the time she had spent with Spock had been surprisingly athletic. "Nothing major, but I thought you would probably be looking for me at some point for a follow up? Also I wanted to tell you that Spock should be back to his normal self very shortly, if he isn't already. Hormones all back under control and all that." She smiled cryptically.

"But you're not going to tell me what happened right?" He asked accusatively, and she responded with a shrug. "Given that he hadn't been treated yesterday, am I right in guessing you had something to do with it? Unless Sarek brought something up with him to your dinner yesterday." He was thoughtful, trying to get to the bottom of things, since there was no other distractions in sickbay at the moment. T'Leiarel smiled as she hopped up to sit on one of the beds, swinging her legs with playful good humour.

"Very logical deductions." He frowned at how little she was actually saying, she just continued to smile sweetly. "Isn't it enough to know that he will be better?" She asked, making him sigh.

"You know, I AM his doctor, and yours for the time being, if you two are engaging in some form of treatment I should know what it is." Leonard frowned as she smirked even more at his phrasing. He narrowed his eyes, then widened them as he made a guess at what those sneaky Vulcans might be up to. She raised an eyebrow. "I am guessing the treatment is usually something to do with married couples... hence the whole wedding situation and Spock's dad seeming to think you were married." She said nothing which only served to confirm his guess. "So, since you aren't here to discuss Spock's condition, how did meeting his father go?"

"Better than I expected, to tell the truth." T'Leiarel answered thoughtfully. "I'm not used to Vulcans who actually seem to approve of me, it was a very surreal meal. He invited us down to visit on the planet, but I'm not sure if I'll go. It might be better if Spock had some time with his Father by himself, he probably doesn't get much of it since he's in Starfleet."

"That sounds like an excuse if ever I heard one." McCoy responded wryly. She supposed it was, part of her just didn't want to go to the planet, though she supposed she should probably at least see what the planet was like, even if she was unlikely to want to return. "I am sure that nobody would blame you if you wanted to just stay on board, but the question is, what would you feel about it? I mean you just up and left for Earth all on your own, and then when you got pulled back into this mess again you fought a pretty fierce battle, when you could have let someone else do it. You don't seem to me like the kind of person to shy away from problems."

"You are right doctor." She sighed. "I should have a bit of an explore, with and without my bondmate."

"Leonard is fine." He offered politely, and she responded with a smile. "And what exactly is a bondmate? You were discussing that before, about being that instead of married? I would ask Spock but Vulcans can be so secretive, you at least explain what you're not explaining."

"I think I can choose to take that as a compliment... in any case I definitely agree there is far too much secrecy, it leads to people doing things because they've always been done that way rather than actually discussing them and thinking about what's important and what is tradition for tradition's sake, not to mention what's just downright archaic." It didn't take much to guess what she was thinking of with that last comment. "So, you got the part where marriages are usually arranged, between the families, right?" He nodded. "And you are aware of the touch telepathy aspect of Vulcan physiology?" Leonard gave her an incredulous look, he was a damn doctor, he'd had to study this sort of thing. "Right... well anyway, as part of the betrothal between the two children they are encouraged into forming a telepathic bond, something that links them in ways that aren't fully understood even by Vulcans. It's kind of like a fiance, with the whole expectation that there'd be a marriage at some point, but it's actually a connection in and of itself."

Well, it wasn't a perfect explanation, but he figured it was the best he was going to get without being able to actually experience telepathy himself... it sounded pretty personal though, intimate. Of course it would be even more so with Vulcans being so private about their thoughts and feelings and all that. It seemed like it was pretty big deal. It was strange that Spock never told them he had one, and if he was bonded to T'Leiarel then why hadn't he said something when they were sent to find her, unless they had bonded as part of his treatment, but he'd been talking about it before... okay it was getting confusing again. McCoy sighed.

"I suppose you two probably have a lot to work out. It's just a shame there's so little time for you to do it. We're only staying in orbit until tomorrow night, and there's a whole five year mission ahead of us, so goodness knows when we'll be back this way. It's a shame you can't just come with us, but I figure you're not the kind of person to want to sit around idle as someone's wife." He commented thoughtfully. To be honest he would like to see his friend happy, and she seemed to make Spock happy, she also got on well with most of the rest of the crew as far as he could tell, that she'd met anyway. If she was starfleet she'd fit in well on board, but there wasn't exactly a lot of scope for civilians on board. "What was it you studied at the Academy anyway? Jim said something about you working training diplomats?"

(Any suggestions for areas of expertise? I have a rough idea but it is developing and I am open to suggestions. As always reviews are appreciated even if they don't have suggestions in them.)


	20. Nyota

When he heard someone at his door he thought perhaps T'Leiarel had changed her mind about taking the morning away from each other, but it wasn't her. It was Nyota. He raised his eyebrow in concern and surprise, wondering if something was wrong.

"Spock." She looked him over briefly. "You seem like you are doing better?" She always had been observant and compassionate enough to turn that attention to the wellbeing of others. It was one of the things that had drawn him to her as a potential partner, and had been a large factor in their ability to transition from couple to work colleagues smoothly.

"Indeed." He confirmed. "Certain concerns have been resolved. Others have arisen, but I am sure they too can be settled satisfactorily." His voice was calm, which seemed to settle her somewhat, he had little doubt that she would have been concerned by his behaviour over the last few days. "Please, come in. Is there something I can help you with?"

"Thank you." Nyota entered with a small smile. "I wanted to see how you were doing, and if there was anything you wanted to talk about. Yesterday was somewhat... dramatic. I don't just mean the fighting, but you showed up to the wedding with quite a sense of urgency. It seemed like there was more to things than just protecting someone you barely know." She phrased it as a statement of supposition, rather than directly asking, and had managed to avoid specifically saying he had been emotional and he appreciated her efforts.

"You recall that when we were together I explained a small portion of Vulcan culture which is seldom discussed. As I told you, traditionally Vulcans have their marriages planned for them in childhood, and that I had not been afforded such an arrangement." He began, setting the context of the explanation, she nodded. "There is a telepathic bond involved, and it appears that children T'Leiarel and I accidentally triggered that bond, something I discovered yesterday. There are certain expectations involved that have caused some friction."

"I see." She was soothingly calm, a blessing on this ship where so many of their friends would be reacting with shock and jumping to emotional reactions based on assumptions of an outcome that had yet to be decided. Not that he did not care deeply for his friends, but he was glad that the first he was able to talk with on this matter was Nyota, not least because she deserved to know the situation, especially in light of their history together. "It seems like a difficult situation to find a path through." He nodded solemnly. "But, Spock, you have to know that she is very lucky to have someone like you caring about her. I don't doubt that it is a lot to adjust to, for both of you, but I am sure if there is..." There was a pause as she weighed the terms and realised emotion was the only way to express what she was saying. "If you love each other you will make things work. It's not always that simple, but there are a lot of people on board who care about you and will do what they can to help."

"Nyota..." He didn't want their memories to cause her pain, this must be difficult for her, but he wasn't sure quite what he could say to make things any easier. Her soft smile was a comfort though.

"It's okay Spock. We care about each other, that isn't going to change, but it was clear to me for a while that it was affection not love, and I deserve love." There was only very trace amounts of melancholy to her optimism. "This, however, seems like it could be deeper, which I suppose makes sense if you have this connection between the two of you. Do you know what you are going to do about exploring that?"

"I am not as certain as I would like to be." Spock responded, which was an understatement, of course if it wasn't an understatement he would have simply said nothing on the matter, he had control of himself again and could view his emotions with the distance of logic, but he was well aware that they were there, where usually they might be more easily overlooked. "It is... disconcerting that I do not know how much time I will have to get to know my bondmate, or to see what will develop, we have our mission to get to and she has a life of her own to return to. This afternoon and evening I will be visiting the planet, and I am not sure if she will join me in doing so. That leaves tomorrow before we leave orbit, and I do not know what will happen at that point."

"That must be difficult. Uncertainty is seldom comfortable, and it's hard to predict what people will do... but perhaps you could ask her if she would like to stay on board a little longer? I am sure Kirk will let her stay if you want her to, at least to our next stop, and she did say she would be looking for the next ship off the planet, which is technically us..." Nyota suggested gently, he could see her watching him for his reaction. It was tempting to take the opportunity to get to know her more, but the Enterprise was not a passenger ship, they went into dangerous situations and dealt with exploring new and unknown areas of space. They would be passing through a few of the populated and well known systems on their way to the outer edges of known space, or wherever else it was they would be needed. It was a sensible suggestion. He would need to go back to his work however, and that would mean a lot of time spent on her own with little to do, something that might be a problem for her condition.

"I am not sure of whether that would be helpful for her, unless we can find some activities for T'Leiarel to be engaged in. There is a great deal to do on board but much of it is aspects of our work." He frowned. "I know that I would not feel comfortable were I to be surrounded by so much purpose and excluded from all of it."

"I suppose that makes sense. I doubt the two of you would be nearly so good a match for one another if she was passive and idle though, so perhaps it's a good thing?" There was a reason Nyota was so good at communication, even more than her exceptional hearing, it was her ability to care about the meaning in things, both words and otherwise, and how everything connected to everything else. It was inspiring. "Well, I know that she might decide to simply leave and live elsewhere, but if she DID stay on board, if she joined us and became a part of the crew, what do you think she'd be good at? Perhaps if there doesn't seem like space for her here we can make it?" She suggested, and Spock realised how little he really knew about his potential bride.

That was something he should really address, to be a scientist was after all to explore and develop understanding of the aspects of life one came across, and there was nowhere he would be better served in utilising that skill and curiosity than with those he cared about. Though perhaps that lesson could also be applied to the rest of his crew when he had the time to do so.


	21. No Hard Feelings

Lunch with his father was going well, traditional Vulcan foods in a charming house, which Sarek had put a lot of effort into making reminiscent of their home on Vulcan without being exactly alike, it was an homage without being a replica. Spock thought it might be because as much as he wanted to remember their home before, it would be too easy to forget and reach out for his mother, only to remember her absence, if the house had been identical. As it was there was still the bright blue across the floor of the bathroom but the tiles that made it up were a different size, and the air was scented with floral fragrances but it was lilac rather than his mother's favourite of hyacinth. Little differences that he was sure were deliberate as they were not mistakes his father would make.

Spock was trying to decide how to go about bringing up T'Leiarel's studies, and possible roles she might be able to find on the Enterprise, without it seeming too artificial or pressuring her into staying aboard... nothing seemed the right way to bring the topic up, and his father was clearing the plates away before he quite knew it. Then they were going for a walk through the streets, discussing the new developments and the plans for improvements to the settlement, and he didn't want to interrupt or to bring up the topic where others might involve themselves.

He was beginning to think it would end up waiting until they were back on the ship, when a young man came running up to the thre of them from the house they were passing. All three tensed, not sure what the intentions would be. They had upset a lot of people the day before with the marriage being cancelled and while so far people had limited their disapproval to pointed glares they were all feeling on edge with the situation.

"T'Leiarel, I am Nakeel, Savel is my cousin. You were in the year above me at the Science Academy I believe, and studied Neuroscience? I recall your paper on the transferral of emotions through mind melds and effective mental hygiene in medicine?" The young man said, urgently, T'Leiarel nodded, unsure what it was he wanted. Nakeel didn't seem aggressive so much as agitated, though either being visible, even subtly, was a worrying sign. "There are some complications with Savel, following yesterday's altercation. I understand if you do not wish to involve yourself, but I recalled your specialisms. With so few Vulcans left and accordingly few Vulcan doctors, especially specialising in such an area and with an interest in abnormalities resulting in or stemming from emotional issues..."

"I would be happy to consult. My license to practice is not current, but if I am able to see the charts I can provide what insight I may have to his physicians. I can't promise that I will find anything they haven't already." He nodded. "I suppose you two will be able to have your father son chat without me sooner than we planned." T'Leiarel nodded to both the others politely. "I will let you know when I am finished."

As she walked away Spock found himself watching her leave, anxious, he didn't like the thought of her being down here alone, without him, especially going to see Savel's family, but he could hardly object to her providing medical advice where it was needed. At least he now knew what she had studied, what her focus was. There was always space on board the Enterprise for more medical staff, but they tended to have more general practice doctors than those with specialisms... he wondered whether Dr McCoy would be open to having an addition to his team, though Spock would rather she was working in the Science department with him, he knew that was lingering traces of possessive tendencies from the lack of certainty regarding their relationship. It was definitely for the best that she wasn't likely to end up in his chain of command though, as that would cause problems with Starfleet regulations.

It was several hours later when they recieved a call from T'Leiarel to say that she was finished at the hospital. Savel had responded well and seemed to be recovering but they were keeping him for observation and she wasn't at liberty to tell him any of the specific details. At least her willingness to help might go some way towards smoothing things over on New Vulcan should she wish to come again, but Spock wasn't sure he wanted her to come back here. In any case her voice was positive and he found himself smiling at the comm unit. Even his father's raised eyebrow of amusement at the look on his face couldn't dent things.

"We have discussed a lot of the family and of the colony, but now that you know she is well and on her way back, do you feel able to discuss with me the nature of your feelings? I know that the two of you are bonded, and are trying to establish what that means and how to move forward, but the question I wish to ask you is this. What is it that you want? Additionally, is there anything I can do to assist you in achieving that? I do want you to be happy with your life and the people in it." It was more blunt than Spock had expected from his father, but since dealing with their mutual loss of the more emotionally present of his family, Sarek wanted to be there for his son, even if it was not an area he felt particularly comfortable discussing. Spock contemplated the questions carefully for a few moments.

"I want..." It was complicated the situation, and it was difficult to figure out what he wanted in terms of her being on board when he didn't know her feelings and then it became clear. "I want love, like you had with mother, illogical but emotionally sustaining." It was not a statement he had expected himself to make, and the shock was clear on his face as it was evident on his father's as well, but then Sarek gave one of his rare small smiles that suggested pride.

"That is a much more logical thing to want than many of our people are willing to admit even to themselves. What I had, was something which supported me and gave me strength and purpose, comfort when the world was harsh, determination to improve things for your sake and for your mothers. Love is illogical and it is unnecessary, but it can greatly improve a person and the life they lead." There was no trace of melancholy to his voice but Spock knew thinking of his mother must be causing his father pain as well as reminding him of the positive times together. "It is not, however, an easy thing to want. Courtship is a much more complicated and prolonged matter than a simple marriage based upon the wishes of the families. It was over a year before your mother would agree to marry me, and T'Leiarel has more reasons to oppose the idea of marriage and seems much more headstrong and independent. Though your mother had her own strength and stubbornness when she needed it."

"I am unsure of the logical course of action. We are about to embark on a five year mission, it has been mentioned to me that we could at least provide passage off of the colony for T'Leiarel but that still seems like we will be parting ways shortly. I feel an urgency and a lack of time. However any attempt to bring her with me would mean a commitment to serving together and I am not sure how the relationship would progress, I do not want to cause the crew any issues on the matter or have it impact on my ability to remain impartial and perform my duties." And those were just the logical reasons to be concerned, quite aside from the worry that she wouldn't want him, that she would refuse any offer her might make.

"I will see about a letter of recommendation, we will see what your Captain thinks on the matter." Spock was about to respond but they heard the gate open and stopped before T'Leiarel could walk in on their conversation about her... He could not turn off his thoughts quite so easily however. He would need to meditate on the matter when he had some time to himself. It was difficult to know what he truly wanted from the Captain, other than wanting to know what T'Leiarel wanted. Emotions were strange and confusing, and it was little wonder they were discarded as distractions, but it seemed they could also provide strength. For now though Spock firmly put them to one side and focused on polite conversation with his father and his bondmate.

Courtship was not something he had expected to need to know much about, indeed it was not something often discussed among Vulcans, and Spock was not sure how one would go about doing such a thing. Even if he were to do so, would it be something T'Leiarel would respond to or would it be unwanted harassment? Of course there was no guarantee that, even if she was open to being courted, that the Vulcan way would be right, that it would provide any insight. Spock smiled slightly to himself at the thought, he was a scientist, sometimes you have to investigate and experiment if you want to learn things, and he did want to learn about her.


	22. He did WHAT?

The hospital had been strange, uncomfortable with icy politeness of grudging tolerance. T'Leiarel knew they appreciated her assistance, but they definitely did not like needing it. That she could deal with however, the strange atmosphere when she got back to Sarek's house was bothering her. There was clearly things unsaid, thoughts and opinions, she could feel them in the air. Though both the men had put a lot of effort into making her comfortable and welcome, it was somewhat excessive, though well intentioned.

T'Leiarel was glad that when they got back to the ship Spock had not argued with her wanting some space to herself to contemplate things, he'd even mentioned something about planning to do some research. She had never been good at sitting meditations though, trying to still the mind to silence and calm when she was dealing with turmoil was difficult. It was easier to concentrate on something, to focus to the exclusion of the unwanted thoughts, and so it was in the gym where Kirk found her.

She settled into a stretch and turned to raise her eyebrow at him wondering why he was there, Kirk was still in uniform, so he was probably not there to work out, currently.

"So... I just got an unexpected message from Starfleet, I was wondering if you'd know anything about that?" T'Leiarel frowned, wondering what it might have been about.

"Did my brother cause a diplomatic incident?" She asked, making Kirk frown, if it wasn't that then what was the message about. She couldn't think of what he might have to tell her that wasn't related to her cancelled marriage. She stood, turning the gravity back to normal and focusing on the Captain fully.

"No, this was about you working on board? Didn't you apply to join the crew? Apparently Spock's dad gave you a recommendation, and there's a message from the hospital and some information about the Science Academy... I mean apply might be a bit strong, this was more of a message about permission to take on a consultant and medical assistant position... if we wanted to... I have a feeling perhaps there was supposed to be an enquiry about whether it was a possibility and Spock or his dad were going to talk to you before me, or something?" He was more than a little unsure quite what was going on, it seemed like Spock had been making plans without mentioning it to her, or was that normal for whatever they were to each other now.

"I see... well, I think we might want to see about having a discussion..." T'Leiarel was not happy... it was a good opportunity but she did not want Spock making these kinds of decisions for her. It set a very bad precedent. "I don't suppose you feel like inviting Leonard and Spock to the Captain's dining room for breakfast?" Kirk found himself smiling back in response to her smirk. Spock had clearly done something wrong, and if it meant he was going to be getting a peek into his first officer's private life over sausages and eggs he was not going to complain. Spock was too mysterious by half some of the time, keeping everything hidden away until it exploded, but this time it was not exploding all over HIM.

"Sure, do you want me to tell them you'll be there, or make it a surprise?" He asked, wondering what exactly she had planned.

"I like the way you think Captain. Hmmm..." She thought for a moment. "Brief Leonard, I mean he should know about the messages and apparently trying to hire someone to his medical bay, without asking any of the people actually involved in the matter first... Ask him if he can find me a nurses uniform to borrow." Jim was picturing it now, and he had to say it was not a bad picture, but he had to remind himself she was with Spock... sort of. The sort of was the problem he supposed in a lot of ways. Both of them were trying to work out how to be around each other. Still it wasn't okay to apply to jobs for people behind their backs and while he wasn't going to do anything about it that didn't mean he couldn't appreciate looking... But it did raise another question.

"So, I know you didn't ask to get a position on board, and he's clearly gone about it the wrong way, but I think Spock and his father's intentions were good?" He offered with one of his trademark 'forgive me' smiles, or in this case 'forgive him'. Jim had experience charming his way out of scrapes and wasn't afraid to put it to good use for a friend. "So once you've taught him a lesson, do you think you would want to apply? I mean we have permission to take you on from Starfleet, provisionally, as long as you take some additional training on board. I wouldn't have an issue with it, you seem pretty bright and it's good to see someone keeping Spock on his toes, and the references are great. I don't reckon Bones would have a problem with it, he's always complaining that he's understaffed, since medical training takes longer than most areas and starfleet lost so many good officers a few years back, as I'm sure you're aware."

T'Leirel wasn't entirely sure how to respond. She wanted something like this. It would be good to be somewhere she could actually use most of her skills and would be appreciated, and she did want to get to know Spock better. Then again she didn't want to start things off be rewarding controlling behaviour like this. The crew was very friendly, the ones she had spoken to so far, and that meant a lot. There were many things to consider, that much was certain. It was so very tempting, the promise of a place, and a purpose, and people who she could grow to care about and who might come to care about her, like a family. In the end she said the only thing she could.

"I will think about it. You don't leave orbit until tomorrow evening. Depending on how things go tomorrow I can hopefully have an answer for you then." She shrugged.

"Okay, that seems very... logical?" The captain responded, which she was sure he intended to be a complement, to be honest though her reasons were rooted in emotion. She had just managed to get her feelings about the bond and the consulting at the hospital and her time on New Vulcan under control and now she had a whole new set of thoughts and emotions and decisions to figure out. "Um.. the yoga type thing you do?" She raised an eyebrow.

"It is moving meditation, meant to balance body and mind, to bring your emotions under control, usually it's for children but since most other meditations focus on suppressing emotions and I can't really do that a certain amount of control is good. Was there something in specific you wanted to ask?" She looked him up and down a second before figuring out what he really wanted to ask. "Do you want to learn? It is good for learning bodily control so that you can steady your heart rate when in stressful situations and is relaxing to do before bed. It's one of several techniques I learned around emotional balancing." He seemed interested and embarrassed. "If I stay on board I could teach you some basic progressions and the associated contemplations? If you go get changed we could try some now, after you send the breakfast invites."

It was good being able to concentrate on helping someone, to feel less helpless, and it wasn't like she could do the more complex stuff at the moment anyway with the lingering aches and bruises from the fight she was stuck with the basic and easier motions, might as well make that an advantage.


	23. So It Begins

McCoy wasn't entirely sure why he was delivering a nurses outfit to a Vulcan before breakfast. Apparently it had something to do with Spock being in trouble for going behind everyone's backs, so as long as he got to see what happened and didn't need to be too active before his coffee he wasn't going to argue.

Jim had said Starfleet had approved her as a possible crew member, and he'd seen the file sent over, it was very impressive, but he wasn't so sure about the whole situation with Spock. It was good that medical personnel were technically outside the regular chain of command to an extent (after all he needed to be able to order the Captain to report to sickbay for his medical checks or when he'd come back from fighting some lizard creature or whatever and gone straight to the bridge). It would still be mighty awkward having the two of them on the ship together if they didn't work things out. Then again Spock and Uhura had worked things out perfectly well and were very good at cooperating on things, and it wasn't like there'd been a perfectly smooth start between any of them and the Captain until after his bullheadedness had gotten them out of a scrape or two (and into several more).

T'Leiarel seemed a very sensible and competent young woman, and better at understanding emotions than most Vulcans, he'd met a few Vulcan doctors and they had terrible bedside manners. If she had been here without the connection to Spock and he'd been given permission to hire her he'd at least give her a trial run on their first leg out across Federation space towards the border, they could drop her off somewhere out there if it didn't work out where she could still catch a passenger ship back. But of course without the interference there wouldn't be the permissions, standard operating practice was for everyone to pass through Starfleet Academy, even if she would know the medical side of things fairly well already. It was very odd.

McCoy was not expecting her to answer the door in a towel.

"Leonard, splendid, you brought the outfit, come on in and I'll get changed in the bathroom." She greeted him cheerfully. The old fashioned part of him was scandalised, but his physician side reminded him it was a lot less than he had seen of some patients, and she wasn't exactly doing a dance about it. He settled on a brisk, polite nod. "Thanks by the way, it was good of you to bring it over." She added as she headed to the bathroom.

"So... I am not entirely sure what the plan here is... breakfast, and Spock, and a nurse outfit? And Jim said you might be joining the crew? I thought you were only on board temporarily... not that you're not welcome or anything... just it's a bit... strange." He kicked himself mentally for possibly making it seem like she wasn't welcome. Even if it was an odd situation it was hardly her fault.

"Apparently Spock and his father felt inclined to smooth the way for me joining the ship." T'Leiarel responded cheerfully. "But I don't appreciate it when people make plans or decisions about my life without asking me." He could remember the lengths she'd gone to about that before... hopefully he wouldn't be dealing with a fight before shift. Though he doubted she'd have a costume plan and be using the Captain's dining room for a battle... maybe a food fight but that didn't seem very Vulcan. Then again there were a lot of things that didn't seem very Vulcan about the young woman.

"Should I be worried?" He asked as she came out of the bathroom. He really wasn't sure why so many of the women's uniforms on board involved short skirts. The nurse uniforms were no better. Of course he encouraged his staff to wear what they felt comfortable in, and there were as many women in trousers and tunics as in the dresses, but it was hardly surprising he wound up feeling like he was a daddy with a house full of daughters to keep Kirk from going near. He knew that was old patriarchal attitudes, and the ladies were quite capable of handling themselves, but they shouldn't have to. And the southerner in him was not keen on the idea of Jim Kirk being left alone with any of them. He made sure to deal with the Captain himself whenever possible. Though there was also his various allergies to worry about, so it made it much easier to deal with him by himself without panicking anyone.

"I wouldn't worry, I mean I don't think you need to... but I suppose it's up to you. There are a lot of moving variables... but I think Spock should be back to his usual self which means he should be able to handle a little... ribbing shall we say." She smiled and he wondered what the Captain knew about this, either way he felt a little sorry for Spock.

"You say he helped arrange things? Do you not want to be on board? I mean I think you'd fit in fine but if you don't want to I can say straight up that you're not allowed in my sickbay or some such, though I don't see why you couldn't object yourself." It was all a tad confusing to be honest.

"It's not about the doing it, I am seriously considering the opportunity. But if I let him make this kind of move, without talking to me first? He should have asked me THEN tried pulling strings, and honestly, I don't want to let it set a precedent. I mean it looks like I slept my way into the position." She frowned. "Heck I kind of did. I mean do you think I'd be getting this kind of special treatment if I hadn't bonded with Spock?"

McCoy could see the issue, it was a delicate situation, he just hoped the two of them could work it out. Spock clearly liked her, a lot. She seemed like a very independent person, so the fact that she was spending so much time with Spock, and his dad, that had to mean something too?

"Do you want to spend more time with Spock?" Wait... he realised something she had said... "You DID sleep together, it was some weird hormonal sex drive thing." He winced as she swatted his arm as he accidentally shouted that part.

"Sorry." She responded at the look on his face. "Look, medical treatments are privileged information right? Technically I am a doctor too, even if my license does need renewing, and it wasn't like it was a treatment you were going to be able to give him." She raised an eyebrow meaningfully. "Aside from which it is also more than a little personal, as I am sure you could imagine."

"Hmmmm." He nodded thoughtfully. "So basically, Vulcan culture has this thing about shotgun arranged marriages where you get married so that the men can have sex to stop hormonal issues without knowing each other, and you didn't do that, but you did have sex and now... what?" She shrugged, looking awkward in a way he hadn't imagined he'd ever see a Vulcan look, it was almost vulnerable and uncertain. And she had seemed so confident the rest of the time. But wasn't that the way? It was all confidence and charm until they actually liked someone, he'd seen it with Kirk often enough. "So you do like him... but you don't want him thinking he can boss you around like a Vulcan wife and... I'm guessing the sex before the dating part is bound to be strange if you are actually going to date."

"You have put things very succinctly." She managed a wry smile. McCoy returned a nod. "Spock's hormones should be fully back to normal by now. Even with some leeway for his unusual hybrid biology." She looked down slightly, not quite meeting his eyes as she continued. T'Leiarel wasn't sure why she was telling this to someone she had only known a short while, and who technically might soon be her boss, but he was comforting to talk to. "We shall see whether his move to keep me on board was motivated by gratitude for my assistance, misplaced responsibility for a pseudo-wife or..."

"Or if he's as soppy about you under that Vulcan logic as you are about him?" McCoy knew he had guessed right when she glared at him. "Well then, lets go see if we can find out." He took her arm as they headed out of the door and towards breakfast. "Though in that outfit he'd have to be blind not to show SOME interest, and I'm sure there'd be plenty of people lining up to help you feel better if things don't work out." Somehow though, McCoy had a feeling they would... he was, he had to admit, a bit of a romantic at heart, and if Spock was too logical to see the emotions right in front of him well then Leonard would just have to give it a nudge. If T'Leiarel's plan didn't nudge Spock hard enough to begin with.


	24. Making Things Clear

Kirk tapped his finger impatiently, McCoy and T'Leiarel weren't late yet, but it was awkward being in the dining room with Spock and not being able to really bring things up... Spock for his part said nothing, as calm and still as ever. Kirk smiled slightly at the thought that might change in the next ten minutes.

"Something amuses you Captain?" Spock enquired politely.

"Oh, no, I mean not really..." He shifted slightly, not wanting to give anything away, not that he really knew much of anything anyway. "Was there something you wanted to discuss?" Spock looked thoughtful for a long moment before he spoke.

"I was hoping to discuss something with Dr McCoy and yourself, a possibility, but I fear my father might have been... indiscreet in making some enquiries." He said softly. "I was wondering about the possibility of having T'Leiarel on board for a somewhat longer time. She is a very able physician from all the evidence I have seen and resilient. To the best of my knowledge she is the only Vulcan to have survived her condition without a great deal of... assistance." Which was a nice way to put 'locking up in an institute and forgetting about where people can watch them all the time' Kirk supposed. "I believe her unique perspective could be very valuable to the crew and..." There was a pause, Kirk waited, he had a feeling his first officer was about to say something he might not be likely to repeat if he was interrupted... he had gone from wanting the others to arrive to hoping they wouldn't just yet. "I would enjoy the opportunity to spend more time with her. For several reasons."

Kirk hoped that Sarek's 'indiscretion' hadn't caused too much damage between the two Vulcans, it would be good to see him happy for a change, though it was hard to tell if he was usually happy... Spock seemed to enjoy being on board, but it had to be hard with nobody who shared your culture on board. Not that it seemed to stop some of their crew from enjoying themselves, Keenser was the only Roylan on board and he always seemed cheerful, or at least cheerfully grumpy. Perhaps it was less about species and culture, and more about connection. But then didn't he and Spock and McCoy and half the bridge crew have a connection too? While Kirk was trying to figure out quite how to respond to his friend, and adjusting to a rare glimpse at the emotions behind the mask, the others arrived.

"Dr McCoy, good... T'Leiarel?" It was good to see Spock surprised. He was quick to recover though. "It is good to see you both." There was a slight eyebrow raise of confusion. T'Leiarel grinned at him broadly. "You are dressed... unusually."

"He means you look nice. Spock, tell her she looks nice." Kirk said, nudging his friend and receiving a glare. She did look good though, he knew McCoy tried to keep him away from the nurses, but he wasn't going to DO anything, he was in command after all. They were all off limits, but it was nice to look, at least some of the time, in a not creepy way. Maybe he was just doomed to be married to his ship... nah, that was a bit bleak. He'd just have to keep an open mind when he was off the ship, they visited plenty of planets. Still, he wondered whether he'd have something like the two of them, when they got around to actually telling each other.

"T'Leiarel always looks aesthetically pleasing, but that doesn't explain the uniform." Spock narrowed his eyes suspiciously at all three of them.

"Well apparently I'm to be the newest medical crew member." She did a spin. Kirk couldn't help but appreciate how short the skirt was, until he noticed Spock's disapproving eyebrow. He shrugged, he was only human after all. McCoy chuckled. "Should we eat? I am famished." The overly innocent tone and smile made Spock frown, even more suspicious. This was an unusually up beat reaction. They sat and the food was served, but other than small pleasantries with the servers none of them said much until the servers had left again.

"I take it that you are aware of my father's message to Starfleet and his enquiries about potential exceptions that could be made?" Spock asked.

"Captain, the chair is a little cold on my legs, do you mind if I sit with you?" T'Leiarel asked, ignoring Spock's question, which was answer in itself to a degree. As she sat herself down on his lap, Kirk gave a confused glance to McCoy, and shivered slightly at the icy rigid stare he was getting from Spock, who was even less emotive than usual. It was almost like he was carved from a stone. It was creepy. He just gave a shrug. He was about to get some food when he realised with one arm behind T'Leiarel it was somewhat difficult to actually get to his food... he hoped this would not take TOO long. As much as he cared about his first officer he did not want to be going to the bridge hungry. "Here, let me help you with that." And now she was feeding him... it was nice getting this kind of attention from a pretty young lady... but very very awkward given the company and the situation.

"Um... thanks?" The glare from Spock was getting more... not exactly intense, it was kind of like the opposite, it was less of a glare, less anger, but it was like an eerie calm instead. The silence stretched, growing more and more awkward. The emotions disappearing behind Spock's eyes. Very creepy. Very, very creepy indeed. And McCoy was no help, he just seemed amused by it all. Then just as Kirk felt like he was about to snap himself and call the whole thing off, whatever this was, Spock stood up abruptly, though his food was barely touched.

"Is something the matter Spock?" The sweetness had an edge to it as T'Leiarel asked the question.

"You are entirely free to do as you please. As you have made very clear, I am not your husband." He was looking straight ahead now, at a space over their heads. Still as calm and still as ever, but the words... was he jealous? Kirk fidgeted with the arm of the chair. There was a lot more going on here that the obvious, that much was clear. Though to be fair the sitting on his lap was odd in and of itself. He used his free hand to grab his glass to get a drink, all the tension was making his mouth dry.

"Really? Because it seems like I was set up for a position in this crew without being asked on the matter, that I was going to be told where to serve and in what capacity and to be given preferential treatment because of engaging in sexual relations with the first officer." The sweetness was dropped now, and it was stated simply. Kirk coughed on his drink. Though from the smirk on McCoy's face he'd already known or guessed what had happened between the pair. Spock looked between the three, before settling on T'Leiarel with a raised eyebrow that seemed to ask whether airing that personal detail was necessary. "So either you think you're my husband, and your father thinks I'm part of the family and is pulling these strings to ensure I am precisely where the pair of you want me to be, or this is some sort of thanks for services rendered, in which case clearly that is the kind of relationship I should have with senior officers on board if I want to get ahead." Kirk coughed, turning red somewhat. It was all rather dramatic over breakfast... but then he'd known she was planning SOMETHING and had let it all happen so he had nobody to blame but himself.

It was hard to imagine Spock having a sex life... though he supposed he probably did with Uhura before, but he'd always kind of imagined the Vulcan as being somewhat asexual, but perhaps he was just much more sneaky about it. Unlike Kirk himself who was more overt but actually didn't tend to do nearly as much as his flirty demeanour might suggest. He appreciated the female form and a bit of that might come out, but he wasn't a play boy to promise things he didn't plan to follow through on, he respected women too much for that... at least he was trying to do better at it now he had a ship to be a role model for and had his life saved by quite a few of the women on board on a semi-regular basis. Well the crew all saved each other and the ship repeatedly.

"I..." Spock sighed. "I had hoped you might want to stay on board. I had expressed that hope to my father who wanted to ensure it was an option, should you wish to do so." He was back to looking over their heads again, face calm, tone steady, but Kirk knew his friend well enough to feel something behind it. Longing and regret perhaps? It was hard to be sure... he'd been getting better at reading Spock lately, especially since he'd been getting to know the other Spock, but right now Spock was hiding his emotions better than ever. "I apologise for any offence that I may have caused by overstepping."

T'Leiarel slipped off Kirk's lap and he let out a small sigh of relief. She moved to stand facing Spock, it was several long moments before he turned to face her, and still more before he looked down the short distance to meet her eyes but she waited silently.

"Next time you want to help my career, ask first." She said softly. "I appreciate the help, what I don't like is the making plans for me, instead of helping me to make plans for myself." Or making plans together... but she couldn't quite bring herself to say that last part out loud, not yet when it was all still so new and uncertain. "Strawberry pancakes were a nice surprise, finding out Starfleet knew about plans to keep me on board before I did was not." She felt like she was almost repeating herself, in mildly different ways, but she needed to make sure it was all very clear. Spock nodded, seriously. "Good." She sighed, and then raised her hand before she could lose her nerve, holding up two fingers. Spock's eyes widened, but slowly he lifted his own fingers to touch hers.

It was only a glimpse before they pulled away, but the respect, the yearning for connection, the desire which remained even without the hormones... it was frightening. It was a depth of emotion she hadn't expected, and it so nearly matched her own feelings, aside from the lingering frustration among her thoughts, right down to the fear which burst out when he felt her fear. T'Leiarel swallowed hard. "Right... so..." She glanced at the humans who seemed to know something had changed but were mostly confused, and heavily amused in Leonard's case. "So... breakfast." She sat back down, in her seat this time. "I have heard humans say it is the most important meal of the day." She looked to Spock who nodded and sat, looking thoughtful.

Kirk and McCoy looked at each other and shrugged. Breakfast it was then. Hopefully this had sorted out whatever problem it was between them. Though McCoy made a note to suggest to Spock he might want to consider apology flowers or the equivalent... perhaps apology candles? Vulcans seemed to like candles.


	25. Advice

Spock wasn't entirely sure what to do. It had seemed like she was pulling away, but then it became clear it was more about emphasising the importance of boundaries, and it was hardly as if he should not have been aware she would likely be sensitive on this particular subject. Then the connection, he had wanted her to know the feelings beneath the logic, had let his emotions come to the fore, hoping to reassure her that he wanted to nourish the bond between them without pressuring her. He had thought he would find hesitance, or uncertainty, he had not expected affection. It was... encouraging, but then of course was the fear that had come on its heels. Which made him concerned about its source...

He couldn't help but think there had been a logical reason to suppress one's emotions.

If this was to progress though they would have to figure out a way to be that suited them. His research the night before had yielded very little results. Vulcan advice on courtship was based around the idea of someone who had lost their partner for some reason and wished to locate a new partner, it mostly included informing the person of your interest, explaining the reasons for it, sharing information on your own skills and attributes, and putting forth an explanation of how it would be mutually beneficial. He doubted that would be effective. There were puzzling references in some of the texts to older methods, but most of that had not been deemed important information to keep duplicate records off world regarding. So much of their history had been lost in the destruction of Vulcan. If he had thought it relevant to his life he could have easily read up on the matter by requesting information from the large libraries at the Science Academy, or from one of the cultural or historical centres, but they were all gone now.

He had also looked at human courtship rituals, which ranged from the interesting to the bizarre, some were even quite frankly worrying. But none of them seemed especially applicable, at least not the ones he had located thus far, and how was he to begin to guess which, if any, would be positive. The giving of cut vegetation seemed somewhat pointless, something temporary and dying, and the giving of jewellery seemed like an attempt to define her style, and he had already seen her reaction to any attempts to curtail her hard won freedom. Embedding ink into your skin or engaging in dangerous behaviours to attract attention was somewhat redundant, she was already well aware of his actions in Starfleet, the risks he had been through in the incidents relating to the destruction of their planet were well publicised.

"Spock?" He realised he had not spoken for a while, his father had left him to his thoughts as he finished readying himself for their intended trip to the colony's small school, where the students wanted to ask him questions. "It is time for us to leave. It is good that you are considering the matter with such seriousness, but you cannot rush these matters and as such you must ensure you continue your activities with due diligence also." Spock nodded. He had to ask however.

"I am sorry to bring up matters which may cause pain, but if I might ask how you went about courting my mother?" Sarek smiled at Spock's question, he had known this was coming.

"Your mother was a very patient woman. As much as I courted her, she helped me to understand how and we developed confidence in one another together. The main thing you must do, or at least the best advice that I am able to give on the matter, is to listen to what is said, and to what goes unsaid. Try and understand as much as you can of her emotions and their causes and then try and bring about positive ones. Try and understand your own emotions, and share them with her. For all that there are many customs across many worlds, at their core they all focus around showing the other person that you care for their well being, and often that you can provide for them and their offspring, but that is less of a concern on modern federation worlds." Spock nodded solemnly as he listened to his father's advice. But he was going to try and put it from his mind somewhat at least the questions of the children would help somewhat with that. "I will say that if you get the information on old Vulcan techniques and choose to trial them, the providing of and sharing of meals is clearly a proving ability to provide tactic, but can easily become a caring one by careful thought regarding the choice of pleasing foods."

While Spock had sought his father's advice before speaking with the children, he was not expecting further advice unsolicited from his fellow crew members... The first was shortly after he had finished speaking at the school.

"Dr McCoy, is something the matter?" T'Leiarel had commented she would be spending the day in sickbay and Spock couldn't think of another reason the doctor might be contacting him while he was on planet.

"No, not really... that is... I don't know if you've put much thought into some form of apology, for... the way things seemed to be between you? I realise you might not want advice but..." The doctor sounded awkward, and hushed, almost furtive, presumably he was having the conversation without her knowing about it, while she was otherwise engaged. Although Spock suspected he might not be aware of how sensitive a Vulcan's hearing could be.

"Is T'Leiarel present with you at the moment doctor?" He asked, as the doctor paused slightly.

"Um... no, she's just went to get some supplies." That should be sufficient, so it was the other medical staff he was being discreet around. "Look, I get that Vulcans might be different, but for humans we'd see about trying to smooth things over a bit after a falling out like that. Nothing too big but I know you might just go being logical about the matter being settled, and well... those of us with emotions sometimes need some sign that the other person actually cares about upsetting them. Your lady friend isn't exactly your standard Vulcan after all." Spock could imagine his friend shuffling awkwardly after that much softness in one go, the doctor did tend towards a more brusque manner in general. His father raised an eyebrow as he listened, it was illogical to pretend he couldn't hear. He would need an explanation of the reason for the disagreement. Spock had not been intending to share that with him since it would likely cause unnecessary guilt over what was intended to be helpful, and still might prove to be.

"What, precisely, is your professional recommendation doctor?" Spock asked drily. He appreciated the intention to help but wasn't entirely sure what doctor McCoy thought he would know about the situation.

"Well I was married, and while it might not have ended as amicably as I would have liked, I did learn some things during that time." The doctor responded with a hint of reproach. "Look, you do what you want to do, but if I were you I'd be checking out the candle shop or the incense shop or whatever it is Vulcan's like. Not as big as jewellery but something. But hey what do I know?" There was a pause, Spock regretted being quite so abrasive with the doctor. His father's raised eyebrow was likewise accusatory.

"My apologies doctor, I appreciate the intent of your advice." Spock managed to say, his awkwardness hidden behind formality. "I will take it into consideration."

"Well then... I guess I'll see you back on the ship." The comm went silent.

"It is good that you have friends who care about you on board the ship." Sarek said levelly. "Now about this argument?"

It was later, after they had planted some vegetables in Sarek's plot and visited a small shop of meditation supplies, making some purchases for himself as well as a small gift, when Spock received another call from the Enterprise.

"Lieutenant Uhura, is everything well?" Spock asked, a little less concerned than he had been with the doctor, Uhura was after all in charge of keeping him informed of matters should things change, such as their orders and a need to report somewhere or a nearby scientific phenomenon or distress call.

"Everything is fine Spock. I was wondering if you had any recommendations about Vulcan karaoke songs?" That was an unusual question, but her explanation continued. "The Captain has asked me to organise a little celebration this evening for T'Leiarel joining the crew, since it seems like that's happening, and she said she liked karaoke, but pretty much everything available in the database is from Earth, aside from a few Klingon songs that were apparently included in the recent cultural exchange with them... since the whole getting to the bottom of the attack on their homeworld. I know there might not be many records, but I thought I would ask if there was anything in particular? It's supposed to be a surprise or I'd ask T'Leiarel directly." It seemed like the good kind of surprise, and Uhura was generally rather adept at judging these things...

"Vulcans do not have a tradition of karaoke. There is the use of pre-recorded music, and there is live performance, the combination is a very Terran tradition. I suppose I could accompany a song or two on my harp but I would not be confident with a wide variety. I will see if I can provide a list of the songs I am able to consistently play to an acceptable level if that is of any help. I think it likely that anyone intending to perform will select Earth songs however." Spock responded thoughtfully.

"Hmmm... you are probably right, but I'll add the songs to the padd with the other suggestions and see if people are tempted, as long as I can put the lyrics on the screen. Perhaps we should make it more of a general performance evening? With people being encouraged to showcase their talents... though that could be tricky to organise at short notice." Nyota replied.

"I am sure whatever you organise will be a most enjoyable evening." Spock stated encouragingly. Nyota had always been very skilled at whatever she put her mind to, and she had a skill with people that went beyond the exchange of words. He was confident she would manage things smoothly, but there was one concern. "Has T'Leiarel actually agreed to remaining on the crew? I fear it could be rather awkward and upsetting should the entertainment focus on welcoming her aboard when she in fact intends to leave. It was made... somewhat clear that she does not approve of such assumptions or expectations being placed on her."

"Noted. I think the Captain is optimistic, Doctor McCoy seemed positive about the matter too when he visited the bridge earlier, but no final decision as yet." Spock looked down, he had hoped it might have meant she had said something, but they were still good signs. "I'll try and make sure it's just planned as a non-specific celebration, and then we can adapt depending on whether it's announcing she's joining the crew or just Kirk and his 'any excuse for a party' morale boosting policy celebrating her not getting married."

"That sounds like a sensible compromise. Thank you Nyota." Spock responded. Then he thought of something. "I also wanted to express my appreciation for your consideration and advice in general, you have been very understanding and supportive in what has been a perplexing situation."

It was almost time for him to return to the ship when he had the third call. This time from the Captain.

"Is there some issue with my expected transport? I am due to leave for the shuttle pad in approximately ten minutes." Spock asked.

"Um... no..." Spock noticed his father giving him a raised eyebrow of amusement at all these calls. The Captain sounded awkward and Spock was worried that this would be another call about his relationship.

"Is this a matter that can wait until we can speak in person?" He asked.

"Well... yes... but at the same time... maybe not? Look, I've just finished in the bridge, and T'Leiarel has finished in sick bay, not that it's been a particularly busy shift because we're orbiting New Vulcan and nothing's exploding or anything, but anyway..." Spock waited for the captain to get to his point, humans did have a habit of using an illogical amount of dithering before doing so when they were uncomfortable with the topic. "Look, the thing is, T'Leiarel offered to show me some moving meditation things for emotional rebalancing and I just... I thought I should let you know and see if that's okay with you and everything?"

"T'Leiarel is her own person, as was made very clear, I am sure you recall. Neither of you need my permission." Spock responded carefully. He wasn't sure he was entirely comfortable with his flirtatious friend spending large amounts of time getting physically close with his bondmate, but he didn't exactly have reason to object, and the gym was hardly a private location. He knew the objection was emotional and not logical, and based in insecurity rather than genuine expectation of inappropriate behaviours.

"I know, but you're my friend, and even if I don't need permission, I want to know if it's something that upsets you, even if officially you don't GET upset by things..." It was considerate. Spock took a moment to think. The truth was he had no objection other than jealousy, a desire to share an activity with her himself, he did want his friend and his bondmate to get along, as long as he could find something he could share with her himself, which was more of a motivation to find something than to deny others. "Spock?"

"I feel it would be good for you to learn simple methods of self control. There have been many times when your emotions have been disturbingly visible and caused trouble for the ship." Spock said wryly. There had also been times his emotions had steered them out of trouble. Kirk would definitely not benefit from the more rigid and stationary meditations practiced by Vulcans over the age of eleven or so, but emotional balancing techniques would only bolster his ability to distance himself from the guilt he suffered at not being able to save everyone, when saving everyone was impossible, without impeding his emotion based reactions during emergency situations. Despite the dry tone Kirk picked up on the minor teasing to his words.

"Gee... thanks Spock. I knew you'd see the logic in me learning new things..." He responded with a hefty dose of sarcasm.

Once he had ended the communication his father touched him gently on the shoulder.

"Patience and acceptance are difficult lessons." Sarek said gently. "You already have much more of both than I had at your age. I am proud of you. Do not forget that. T'Leiarel is a very fortunate young woman to have stirred such interest in you, and it will be very much her loss should she refuse it. The only thing that could change that good fortune on her part is complacency, and I have never yet see you fail to exert yourself for something you truly care about. I can only hope she is contemplating your happiness as seriously as you are hers, and that your life together is as filled with love and joy as mine was with your mother."

Spock nodded solemnly. It was testament to the depth of his sincerity that Sarek would say such things aloud, such discussion of emotion. He took his fathers words very seriously indeed.


End file.
